Book by: Cobber

Chapter 1: Monarch

Reads: 4530
Comments: 20

The only time Martin felt in control of his life was behind the wheel of his car. His parents had given him a used Toyota Tercel for his sixteenth birthday and once he got his full license he spent hours exploring back roads. He could speed it up, stop it, change its direction, and even kill it if he desired. When a really good song came over the radio, he floored the accelerator and for a moment at least, felt like the master of the universe.

After the humiliation with Preston, there was nothing he needed more than to escape. He arrived home, dodged his mother, and jumped into the car. He moved carefully out of the driveway and through the center of town.

He hated Wellow Falls. He'd miss his Mom and Dad but Martin couldn't wait to leave. He turned onto the highway, upshifted to fifth, and watched the speedometer climb and climb until he was whizzing by other cars. Boston was half an hour away and he drove until he reached the railroad yards on the outskirts of the city. The yard gave him a good view and he watched a beautiful sunset bath the skyscrapers in flaming red. It was getting late and Martin knew he needed to get back. He didn't want his parents to worry and he felt somewhat better.

Someday, he thought, looking at the big city, I'll be bigger than all of them, and then they'll all be sorry about how they treated me.

He sped back down the highway and took Exit 16, whizzing by the Wellow Falls Motor inn. The road narrowed but he kept the accelarator floored. He would pay the consequences if the police were out. Out of the middle of nowhere a red blur materialized. Martin slammed on his brakes and the car skidded, slid a bit to the right, and came to a lurching stop. He looked in his rearview mirror and could see the red blur approaching the car.

What the hell was he doing? His heart pounded. Martin looked back and saw a person in some sort of red robe. As the figure walked towards his car, he could see that it was a woman.

What kind of crazy woman walked alone at night in a red robe? Goosebumps rippled up his arms and legs and he felt a deep dread in the pit of his stomach. He shouldn't have stopped and wanted to leave. Martin shifted into first gear and began to let up the clutch. That was when she lifted the handle and opened the door. His trembling foot caused him to release the clutch too soon and the car violently jerked forward before stalling. The interior lights blinked on and off, on and off, casting eerie shadows across her face.

"Relax Martin." The words sounded sweet, nice.

"Just having a little clutch problem," he said in a cold sweat, wanting her to leave. She slid into the passenger seat. The woman was beautiful. Her hair was jet black, and her eyes were deep, like an ocean of infinity. Martin swallowed and tried to smile. She wore a red robe which flowed from her neck to her feet. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Who are you?" he finally managed to stammer through the terror and the fear.

"I am Monarch." Her voice was pleasant enough and he relaxed a bit. "Martin, don't be afraid. I'm here to help you."

"Help me, how?" How could this robed woman help him? What did she know about his problems?

She snapped her fingers and the front window of the car began to fog.

"Hey, what are..." She put her hand on his arm and smiled.

"Watch Martin." The fog flashed and he saw the hallway of Teddy Roosevelt High School. The view moved forward and he saw a cordon of classmates staring at some spectacle. The circle broke and Martin saw himself running down the hallway, tears in his eyes, his face blackened by the carbon paper. The images scattered into colors before coalescing again.

"I know all about you Martin. You're very special, very unique. Let me help you and you will attain your every desire." A figure staggered down a street and he realized it was Preston Dregor. The bully looked around, kicked a can, and took a left onto a side street somewhere near the train tracks.

"If it is revenge you want, it is a dish you shall have." More swirling and then he saw Kathy Leer, his teacher in her rented house. She took off her earrings in front of a mirror. When she had removed them, she began to unbutton her shirt. She undid the first, the second, pulled her sleeves out, neatly folded the shirt, and put it on her bed. Martin exhaled at the sight of her creamy belly and the black bra that cupped her breasts. She reached behind her back and after a second of fumbling, the bra slid down her shoulders, revealing her chest and the pink nipples. The image dissolved.

"I can give you women and happiness, beauty and freedom. I will give the words to say and the actions to do. And people will listen to you, they will worship you."

"How can you do this for me?" he asked. "How can you help me?"

She laughed and it sounded like a teacher being amused by one of her students. She reached inside her robe and drew out a long silver nail with a very sharp point. To pointy for his liking. The interior lights in his car flared on for a moment and then went dead. A sick, grey light emanated from the nail. Her face wasn't pleasant or beautiful anymore, it looked like a hunter eying its prey.

The vision cleared from the windshield and something smacked against the glass. He jumped. Something else smacked the window and then there was a storm of red, like snow burying the car. The windshield was completely covered by tiny, moving objects. Butterflies, were they red butterflies? He looked at the side windows and they were also covered.

Oh my god, please someone, help me.

"How can I help you? Good question. You're a very intelligent boy, I like that." She slowly rotated the nail in her hand. "Every present has its price Martin, you know that don't you?" He frantically searched for the handle as she continued to talk.

"What do you have to pay? Perhaps your left hand or your left nut? No, Martin, do you think me a witch, I wouldn't ask for something so valuable. I just want your soul. That's not a very large price is it?" she purred. Martin would have screamed then if she hadn't arced the nail towards his face. It pierced him under the chin and drove into his mouth, cutting off his howl. The nail sliced through his tongue, pinning it to the roof of his mouth. A trickle of warm blood dribbled down his neck. The remnant of his aborted howl shot out his nose as a gust of warm, bloody air.

The red robed figure stepped out of the car and walked around the corner and into an ally beside Demilo's Drugs and the Wellow Falls dry cleaners. Thousands of red butterflies fluttered madly, following her into the darkness of the night.

Submitted: September 13, 2006

Horror fantasy horror evil forces monarch

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Comments

Alissa Forbes

This is a fascinating beginning. I think it will be tough work convincing the readers that the town bully will turn into a likeable character, but those are the kind of challenges that are worthy of great stories.

Thu, September 14th, 2006 5:01am

Author
Reply

Hey Alissa,

Thanks for the read. I've tried to create an atypical main character. The nerd becomes the bad guy and the bully becomes the hero. You can tell me if I pull it off. Stay tuned for more.

P.L.

Thu, March 14th, 2013 2:37pm

Mike Brennan

Hi, Phillip.___

This is an interesting premise, and has potential. I think that it could benefit from the reviewing process it would receive at someplace like theNextBigWriter.com, to help with some continuity issues (like Martin becoming Denis at one point) and some incorrect words that the spellchecker didn't catch.

Sat, September 23rd, 2006 7:02pm

Author
Reply

Thank you for your feedback. I'll give it the once over again. I may also submit it for reviews.

Sun, October 8th, 2006 8:43pm

Kendra

This seems to reflect my memory of High School. True horror.

Thu, October 5th, 2006 8:28pm

Author
Reply

Thank you. I hope you will keep reading.

Sun, October 8th, 2006 8:43pm

Donald H Sullivan

A great, page-turning beginning, Phil. Right now, my sympathies, along with everyone else's, are with Martin. And Preston, of course, is despised. It'll be interesting to see how you turn that around.

With the exception of a few typos, already pointed out, the first chapter was very well written.

Wed, October 11th, 2006 4:53am

Author
Reply

Thanks Donald. Read on and let me know if I'm successful at turning good to bad and bad to good.

Phil

Thu, October 12th, 2006 10:13am

Gorgeous Reader

I like bad boys so I can already see myself liking Preston. Usually, they are just misunderstood. This was a good set-up. Now I'm waiting for the horror. On to chapter 2.

Thu, October 12th, 2006 9:00pm

Author
Reply

Thanks for reading.

Fri, October 13th, 2006 1:00pm

lainie

You are a very gifted writer!!

Lainie

Sun, October 15th, 2006 5:44am

Author
Reply

Thank you. I hope you will read on.

Tue, October 17th, 2006 1:20pm

AmandaRVP

wow you have to rate these things...but thank you so much about this website...so cool because I tried to "unofficially" publish my writing on certain sites but they want a fee.

hahah breathe? I think you meant breath. Haha I saw some other little things but we help each other out.

But awesome chapter!

Sat, October 21st, 2006 8:54pm

Author
Reply

Thanks for pointing out that misspelling. I'll take a look and change it. I'm glad you liked it. There is more coming.

Phil

Mon, October 23rd, 2006 11:36am

avis

Ver, very good! I can't wait to see what happens to this "bad guy" Preston that makes him turn into one of the good guys. Typos here and there, but of course typos are a part of great writing.

Keep up the good work!
Avis

Tue, November 14th, 2006 4:36am

Author
Reply

Typos a part of great writing :). That's a good line. I keep trying to scrub it but those little buggers are still there. I guess I'll have to go through it again. Thanks for reading and your comments.

Phil

Tue, November 14th, 2006 9:08pm

Odin Roark

Phil,
You've presented two characters in your first chapter that have a natural appeal, as they represent guys that most can relate to, and they pose the unity of opposites with good and evil.

I would consider going over it for formating and spelling. There are some nits for you to fix.

My one suggestion (should you edit as you go, which I try to do)is consider some images and sounds for the hate Preston feels that are fresh and new. Clenched fists and menacing gestures set him up as just another bully. To make him intriguing and original feeling, explore the WHY of his anger. The WHAT can be realized by the reader merely with his strident swagger. "...other kids that could smile and laugh, look so happy, and not bear the burden that he felt every day." Give us a shorthand idea of what the burden is, i.e., caring for an invalid family member, a drug habit, a pedophile personality with kids, etc. Maybe you've done that in subsequent chapters, but for your opening chapter, give a sense of what is making him angry. You've got a handle on the imagery, now, give us a sense of his inner monolog, his torment.

Last, the ending isn't a page turner. I think you've got one in you, but it's not on the paper. Keep writing. I check into your next chapter.

Thu, November 16th, 2006 5:37am

Author
Reply

Thanks Odin for the read and the comments. Subsequent chapters do explain the anger but I think you're right about needing to hint about it more in the first chapter.

I'll also look at the end and see about adding a hook.

Thanks again for the read and comments. I do think it begins to move more briskly once you get into it.

Phil

Thu, November 16th, 2006 11:09am

farfromfearless

Please ignore my rating. I find rating systems an obscure barometer by which to gauge writing. In any case, I find the premise of your story interesting -- admittedly, it is difficult for me to connect with a bully, but if you can somehow manage let the reader connect and sympathize with him, it would be well worth the read.

I just have a couple comments regarding your opening para (some of which you could apply through the rest of your work).

"Anger. He walked down the high school hallway and felt the anger inside of his veins, inside of his cells, inside of his entire body." - Exaggeration in writing is difficult to avoid, it is also necessary in order to convey certain aspects of a story. With that paradox in mind: I think you could find a way to express the anger in a more subtle and effective manner. I have felt anger, deep anger, and albeit there are many physical manifestations of strong emotion, I have yet to "feel it in my cells". For me, voicing emotion in emotional terms makes more sense. Using physical signs of emotional manifestations should only serve to heighten the description of the emotional state.

"Anger. He could almost smell its stench as it wafted from the pores of his body. He was angry at a world that seemed to care only for itself, oblivious to others and uncaring about their well being. " - I see this technique used frequently after opening a scene. The tendency to re-enforce is natural, in the case of your story, it would be far more effective if you kept this paragraph as short an succinct as possible. You have already described, quite emphatically, the anger of your main character. Also, this would be a good opportunity to reveal the character's name. Up until now, the reader knows your character only as "He".

For example:
"Anger. Preston smelled its stench..."
On a similar note: try to avoid too many one sentence paragraphs. I like to reserve these for scenes where describing in whole, a situation that can easily be summed up in a short manner. Use it to effect.

I am noticing that many of your sentences are in the passive voice. Try to write in the active voice whenever possible. That does not mean that the passive voice should be avoided. There are many reasons to use the passive voice, but just be aware of where the passive voice weakens a sentence and try to re-write it in the active voice.

Also, read through your material on paper - spellcheckers are stupid when it comes to catching real mistakes.

Sun, December 3rd, 2006 5:25am

Author
Reply

Hi farfromfearless,

These are all excellent comments. I wrote this first chapter many years ago to a Filter song and I fear the song got in the way of the writing. Show don't tell is surely what I should be doing more of and I hope that is the case as the chapter and story progresses. Yet, a first paragraph is important and at some point in the near-future I do need to revise this.

Thanks for your excellent comments. I hope you will continue reading.

Phil

Sat, December 2nd, 2006 10:01pm

Derek Atkins

Phillip,

You have a great deal of potential here for an interesting story. I won't bore you with the technicals, since these are already covered by others. Let me say instead that you have the ability to take this story far, and I am interested to see how you pull off the switch of good/bad as you have mentioned before.

Mon, December 11th, 2006 12:24am

Author
Reply

Hi Derek,

Thanks for your reading and your comments. I hope you'll keep reading. I'll check out your writing also.

Best,
Phil

Fri, December 15th, 2006 12:24am

Nick Dwyer

"Anger.

He walks down the high school hallway and feels it in his veins, in his cells, in his body. His breath is curt, controlled, like the balls of his fists: ready to strike, to lash out. It's an anger that consumes him at times and make his words and fists fly. It's an anger directed at a world that produces kids that can smile and laugh and look happy. He sees a few of them at their lockers getting their books out and they move as he walks by them. His thick boots hit the tiled floor and they thud. They thud and they announce his coming and they send those kids rattling away. Like roaches being shown the light. Just like roaches. He enjoys the fear he inspires. He enjoys it."

Read, re-read, cut cut cut. Especially cut adverbs. Make it present tense (the set-up can be in flashback). Imagine your main character shouting this at the top of his fucking voice.

I like this. And I've only read your first paragraph so far!

Sat, February 3rd, 2007 3:57am

Author
Reply

Hi Nick,

Thank you for the feedback. I need to consider your suggestions. I'm not sure I like this first chapter anymore. Another reader said it was too much telling versus showing. NOt sure. But thanks again.

Phil

Fri, February 9th, 2007 11:07pm

Phill05

I love the way you describe the characters. I am really enjoying this novel. Are you going to finish it?

Mon, June 18th, 2007 10:46pm

Author
Reply

Hi Phill05 from Phil Lanuto!

Thanks for your comment. I have the first part finished and have just been looking for some time to clean the rest up and post it. Once that's done, if I receive enough positive responses, I'll go ahead and write the rest. Thanks again.

Phil

Thu, July 5th, 2007 9:57pm

IveyBanks

Excellent start. I think you did a great job of putting the reader into the heads of both Preston and Martin.

Nice addition with the music to help set the tone. Well-chosen, too.

I look forward to seeing where you take these characters.

Tue, November 6th, 2007 4:56pm

Author
Reply

Thank you. I've done a bit of a re-write of this chapter and the subsequent ones which I'll be putting up shortly. Thanks again.

Tue, November 6th, 2007 9:50am

DanielleD

Phillip,

Excellent start. I will have to come back later to give an actual review as I am about to head out the door to work. I will write one up for you though. Promise.

Sat, December 22nd, 2007 9:48pm

Author
Reply

Thanks Danielle,

I'm actually in the process of re-writing and tightening up this chapter and the entire book. I'm getting ready to publish it to book format. But I'd love any feedback that you have.

Best,
Phil

Sat, December 22nd, 2007 2:43pm