Chapter 11: (v.2) The 12 Roadblocks to Communication - Thomas Gordon

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Next morning, Iulia came and drove him with her car to the Teacher's home. “Your father will come in one and a half hour,” she said and left.

The door opened. “You look thoughtful!” the Teacher said, and laughed.

“Many new events took place!” said Christos.

“Hey, why didn’t you call then?” asked the Teacher. “It seems you have important things to say!”

“I felt embarrassed. . .“

“And you didn’t call in the end,” said the Teacher. “And the result was that you remained confused, right?”

“Exactly!” Christos agreed.

“Well, better late than never!” laughed the Teacher. “Let’s go to my room to tell me what happened!”

Narrating the previous day's event, Christos referred to his dialogue with Dr. Jurakis.

“This is true,” the Teacher agreed. “Your father's work is indeed more financially. . . fruitful!”

“Yes, but I don’t like his profession,” said Christos.

“Okay, since you don’t like it,” said the Teacher, “better not to do it then! There isn’t anything worse in this life than doing a non-satisfactory job!”

“Indeed,” he agreed. Then he added, “Truth is that I don’t know if I will succeed in finishing my master's course!”

“I disagree,” the Teacher said. “You did pass the first year, didn’t you?”

“Almost,” Christos replied. “I have two modules to take on September! I don’t know if I will pass, they seem to be too hard!”

“Did the rest of the students pass those two modules?”

“The vast majority didn’t,” Christos replied. “Everyone complained about the professors, that they made the modules difficult in purpose!”

“See? You didn’t fail because you are not good, but because the professors are weird!”

“Okay,” Christos agreed.

“Okay what?” said the Teacher.

“I wanted to say that I agree with you! I am a good student.”

“Hahaha!” the Teacher laughed.

Listening to himself saying that he was a good student and at the same time hearing Teacher's joyful laughter, Christos’ mood improved.

“So what else happened?” asked the Teacher.

Christos described the whole event in Iulia's office, how he felt impassive again and how this led to a rage explosion again.

“What preceded your resignation, Christos?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean, what was the event that made you resign for one more time?” the Teacher restated his question.

“I think the facial expression of my father did the trick, after we left the house of the professor,” Christos said and tried to mimic the expression.

"This is criticism,” said the Teacher. “Same with what the professor did when he said to you: have you realized what you are doing?”

A memory surfaced to Christos’ conscious mind:

He must have been nine years old and was in his room, making soldiers out of plasticine. The soldiers held rifles that he himself made.

Upon seeing the soldiers with their guns, Petros said, “Their rifles are like little penises!”

Christos felt that this was demeaning and then another memory came:

Little Christos was ten years old and drew a bird. He was angry for some reason and he made the bird look angry with sharp teeth.

He showed what he created to his father and brother, saying to them that it was evil and hoping it would intimidate them, but the result was the exact opposite: the just laughed, and then he felt humiliated.

“The consequences from the first memory,” said the Teacher, “is to not be able to create something, with the fear that you will be humiliated.”

“What are the consequences from the second one?” asked Christos.

“For the second memory the result is you being afraid to express your anger, with the fear of being ridiculed.” He then added, “Hmm. . . I think it is time Christos to expand on the topic we discussed when you first came, the one regarding competitive relationships.”

“Why not?” Christos agreed.

“Know then Christos, that man, from the stone age, learned that as rocks and wooden sticks could hurt him, so could these hurt others and thus he used them to harm his fellow men.”

The Teacher continued, “Later he learned that language could be an even more effective weapon than stones. For that reason, things that hurt him inside, such as commands, threats, humiliation, ignoring, all of these behaviors could he add to his arsenal to hurt others.”

The Teacher stood up and looked over a pile of papers. Then, he took a blue document from the pile and gave it to Christos.

The document was titled:

The Twelve Roadblocks to Communication

by Thomas Gordon.

The Teacher said, “The psychologist Thomas Gordon found out that there are twelve roadblocks in communication. Those are:

Criticizing / Blaming
Advising / Suggesting
Praising / Giving positive evaluations
Threatening / Warning
Humiliating / Labeling
Commanding / Ordering
Persuading / Lecturing
Moralizing / Preaching
Reassuring/ Consoling
Analyzing / Diagnosing
Questioning / Probing
Withdrawing / Humoring / Diverting / Distracting."

Christos listened with great interest, but he had questions, “But wait a minute,” he said, “to give positive evaluation to someone is a bad thing to do?”

“If you come and tell me that you can’t take it anymore with your horrible boss and then I tell you, 'Ah, don't worry! You'll be fine!' Is that for good?”

“But!”

“It is like you are trying to get rid of a bag of cement from your back and then I add to you another one!”

Christos recalled last spring. He remembered when he said to his mother that he couldn’t take it anymore with his studies. After warning him that stopping his studies would result in him going to the army, he asked her:

“You really think I can cope with this?“

“You?” Iulia said. “I think you have a thousand percent chance of succeeding!”

So what Iulia really did there was to use praising. Christos realized there was some truth in Teacher's words.

The Teacher added, “Personally of course, I believe that there are three additional roadblocks that are not mentioned in Gordons theory.”

“And which are those?”

"Interrupting, being indifferent to, or ignoring somebody.”

Christos remembered that he had experienced indifference or avoidance from people at sometime in his life and that these experiences hurt him a lot. Because of these experiences, he recognized the validity of the above two roadblocks. As for interrupting, he remembered some of the live TV shows where some guests, often having vested interests, constantly interrupted others’ speech, creating a living chaos out of it. He jotted down on the document the three additional Roadblocks to Communication.

Interrupting
Indifference
Ignoring

The Teacher continued, “Take this document with you!” he said. “From now on, when somebody makes you feel bad, try to find which roadblock he uses to compete with you.”

Christos took the document. “Which roadblock did my father use on me?” he asked the Teacher.

"Critisism but humiliation as well," the Teacher said. “As it can be seen from your memories! Generally, you have been subjected to bouts of humiliation! That is why you are so shy!”

Christos smiled a bit with the phrase, “Bouts of humiliation,” as he found it funny. Together with his renewed interest with all this new knowledge, his mood improved as well.

The Teacher looked at him and also smiled. “He hasn’t realized his value yet,” he thought and said, “Christos, your father has told me that he has no idea of the things that you know!”

“Is that true?” asked Christos, as he remembered that his father used to say these words, but at that time Christos thought that he said them just to flatter him. Since he heard them from a different source, he might not have been acting.

“Of course!” the Teacher replied. “As a scientist you are superior, and your father can’t reach your knowledge level!”

Never having expected to hear these words, Christos felt a sense of recognition.

“It is as if all those years they had imprisoned you inside a room and you escaped from a tiny crank in the window!” said the Teacher.

Christos calmed down, and the tension inside him left. In the end, he must not have been as useless as he thought he was. He had some value.

He still remained undecided about what he would do after he finished the master's course, but he felt relieved. At least, even if he couldn’t bridge the gap with his father, he didn’t have to strive for it compulsively. He had done well in the academia and he had shown his value.

His father arrived, they returned home and his mood improved a lot more.

“Christos, I will go out for a drink,” Michalis said. “Would you like to join?”

“Yes, why not?” said Christos, and spontaneously laughed. A laugh that sounded as melodic as the sound of a river stream. “And maybe I will find a girlfriend!” he thought.

Submitted: February 28, 2024

Literary Fiction romance therapy psychology counselling personal-development