Chapter 19: (v.2) Taking Initiative In Relationships - Indifference / The 4 Modes Of Private Logic

Lessons started and Christos found himself in the company of the students he met last year. Last year Christos avoided them, because of his depression. However, he was determined that this year he would do the opposite and try to approach them, aiming to improve his minimal social skills. He asked the Teacher's counseling to this.

“It is important to learn to take initiative in your relationships,” the Teacher suggested. “Some people believe that it is degrading to make the first step, as they fear being rejected, denied etc. However, it is anything but that.”

By hearing the word 'denied,' Christos remembered a recurring memory from his childhood:

As a child, before reaching twelve, he and his brother used to ask material things, mostly toys from their mother.

His mother however, Iulia, refused stubbornly to buy them the toys they wanted.

Christos and Michalis persisted in asking her all the time, but their mother continued to deny their demand, using the excuse that they didn't have money. Eventually, their mother didn’t yield and Christos felt so angry that he wanted to charge and strangle her.

“The consequences of this remembrance,” the Teacher said when Christos finished narrating, “was to not dare to take initiative to ask for something, with the fear of being denied and feeling rejection."

“She kept telling us that there was no money, but I didn’t believe her!” said Christos furious.

“Christos, calm down,” the Teacher said. “Maybe she said the truth, maybe not. The point however is different here!”

“So, what is the point?” asked Christos abruptly, a sign that he still remained disgruntled.

“The point is that your parents, Iulia and Petros, never showed you their love, having as a result you and Michalis wanting proof of their love, even if that meant only material things!”

With his anger finally starting to subside and becoming softer, Christos agreed, “You are right.” Then he asked, “Why is it not degrading to be denied of something that is asked?”

“Refusal doesn’t mean I reject you, but rather I cannot give you what you ask.”

“So, our mother couldn’t give me and my brother what we asked of her?”

“Exactly!” the Teacher replied. “And that could have been due to various reasons. She might have been afraid of spoiling you, or she could have been angry and didn’t want to clash with you, or she could have wanted to only be it her way. Fact is, she couldn’t fulfill your desires!”

The Teacher continued, “I would suggest we made a registration change to this memory, before you start approaching your fellow students. It would be wise to be ready to accept others' refusal, because, however unpleasant that might sound, they have the right to deny being in your company!”

Attempting the registration change, Christos thought that he insisted that his mother bought him the toys he desired, even when she continued to refuse. He said to himself that his mother couldn’t satisfy his need. He then imagined that he started to save money from what his parents gave him, and he disposed that money to buy the toys he wanted himself. The new registration made him feel happy.

“That was a good registration change Christos,” said the Teacher. “So, the road is clear! Move on!”

“Okay!” said Christos cheerily. “I will!”

So, Christos attempted to go out with his fellow students many times during the semester.

In the beginning, things went wrong; every time he grabbed the phone to call a friend, a cold chill ran his spine, similar to the one he felt when he tried to call Aphroditi, several weeks ago. To call others and not others him, was something new to him, but also seemed to be something forbidden. Sometimes, a familiar feeling of anger surfaced, despite him having done a registration change. However, upon remembering the new interpretation he had embraced, his anger dissipated. Slowly, he began seeing what the Teacher told him: a refusal didn’t mean rejection but an inability of the other person to give what was asked. Some students for example worked, or had other pressing matters to attend to in their lives. Some others had already planned something the day that Christos asked them to go out.

However, something now bothered him a lot more than how much denial bothered him initially. A few of his fellow students wouldn’t even reply. Every time somebody didn’t answer the call, he felt being stuck in that situation for hours, eagerly awaiting a reply and charging himself emotionally for without reason. He wondered to which behavior this mentality corresponded to in the roadblocks to communication.

“This is called ignoring, in the list I have given you with the roadblocks,” the Teacher said when Christos asked him, and then said amiably, “Have you ever heard of the spitting the stamp syndrome?”

“No,” Christos replied.

“It is very common,” the Teacher said and explained, “it is said that the more you spit a stamp, the stickier it becomes!”

“And where does that stick to our conversation?” asked Christos.

“The more we become indifferent to someone, the more they try to gain our attention!”

“You mean that those who don’t answer calls are being competitive through indifference?”

“Yes, some people do that, the truth is however that you can’t really know that just with a phone conversation!”

The Teacher continued, “It is possible that your friend wanted to call back later, but he forgot it! Or he could have set his phone on silent, who really knows why!”

“Why do people do this?” asked Christos. “I mean those who spit the stamp and retain a competitive mentality?”

“Because they feel important when people chase them!” the Teacher replied.

“Don’t they have another way to be considered important?” asked Christos.

“They sure have, they just haven’t found it yet! Having issues with indifference, they become indifferent for themselves and don’t progress in their self-exploration! Kind of what you do!”

“But I am not indifferent for myself!” Christos shot back angrily.

“And yet!” the Teacher laughed, “you are!”

“But I do so much self-work!” Christos said, almost completely losing control.

“Easy there Christos, easy,” said the Teacher. “You do self-work, calm down. There is something however we haven’t talked about yet!”

“And what is that?” asked Christos who still remained upset.

“Have I ever told you about the four modes of human behavior?”

“No!”

“Learn then Christos, that the roles we learn for four modes! Those are:

• The others towards me

• Me towards others

• Others towards others and finally

• Me towards me."

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that the moment we add a role in our private logic, this role is verified through four different modes!”

The Teacher continued, “If we take, for example, the memory we recovered a few days ago, the one regarding denial. Your private logic stated: When others refuse to do what I ask of them, I feel rejected and get angry. This is the first mode: The others towards me.”

“So,” Christos asked, “what you want to say is that when I refused to do things that others asked of me, I did so with a rejecting attitude?”

“I am convinced that if you look deep inside you will find memories where this is verified,” the Teacher said.

Immediately, a memory flashed to Christos’ mind:

He was in first grade of high school and it was lunchtime. He stood in front of the school buffet to grab something to eat. There were a lot of people in front of the buffet.

Waiting at the right side of the buffet, he saw near him a box that contained small chocolate bars. Then, a girl that waited on the left side of the buffet, asked him, “Could you get that chocolate bar for me?” as she couldn’t reach the box because the people were in the way.

Christos replied with a blunt and rude, “No” and the girl left angry saying, “To hell with you!”

“See?” the Teacher said. “Here you verified the second mode, meaning: when others ask something of you and you refuse, they feel rejected and get angry.”

“But isn’t it possible for the other to feel rejected just from my refusal?” Christos asked.

“Yes, it is,” the Teacher replied, “but only if they have issues with refusal as well. But you need to be careful not to provoke others with your way of refusing. And indeed you have the right to refuse, however it is best to do so politely!”

“I will do that,” agreed Christos and then asked, “What is the importance of the two other modes?”

“The third mode, others towards others, that too becomes verified, but it doesn’t have much significance. The most important and harmful of the modes is the fourth, me towards me.”

“Why is it more harmful than the others?”

“Because it is difficult to be tracked and because we cannot escape ourselves. If somebody verifies a negative role of our private logic, we can avoid or cut that person off our lives. However, our self is always next to us and will always trick us, until our registrations are changed!”

“I do believe that,” said Christos. “And now I understand what you meant before about indifference.”

“Yes,” the Teacher said, “since you become angry when others are indifferent to youwhen you don’t care for yourself! indifference is in your private logic, and that is why it is necessary we find memories that involve indifference!”

“Okay,” Christos said, “let me think a bit!”

The remembrance of a past event hit his head like a sledgehammer:

On the first grade in high school, he started going out with his fellow students.

His friends used to go out at the central square until after eleven, however he had to return before nine o’clock, as Iulia forbid him from staying out later.

One night, rebelling against his mother's rule, he stayed out with his friends until past eleven.

When he returned, Iulia waited for him and looked threatening. “Why are you late?” she asked angrily.

“I can’t get back home at nine o’clock!” Christos complained. “My friends stay out a lot more!”

“I don’t care what your friends do!” Iulia shouted.

“Well, I DO!” Christos replied angrily.

Iulia then physically assaulted Christos, constantly slapping and punching him.

Christos did not retaliate because they taught him that it was a sin to hit his mother. However, he did become furious immediately after.

Upon remembering this event, Christos felt buried anger surfacing. He told the memory to the Teacher.

“I can’t see where the indifference is,” added Christos. “I guess other interpretations can be made from it.”

“And yet, there is indifference Christos,” the Teacher said. “Iulia here became indifferent for your need to be equal to your fellow students and forbad you to stay out as long as they stayed.”

Christos realized the truth, and became even more angry, not only because he thought that the others didn’t care for him, but because, according to the fourth mode, for so many years, he didn’t care for himself, not socializing and losing thus opportunities to grow. His stomach tightened up like a knot.

“Oh no!” he told the Teacher, “I am feeling sick! Where is the bathroom?”

“It’s in the end of the hallway!” the Teacher said.

Christos rushed to the bathroom. Then he became even more sick and threw up in the toilet basin. He felt a little better but it wasn’t until he vomited two more times that his nausea disappeared.

Standing next to him, the Teacher thought, “It must have been very intense for him.” “Are you okay?” he asked Christos concerned.

“Now I am,” said Christos, “now I think I am better!”

At that time, he noticed that he didn’t eat anything before vomiting. “Why did I throw up with an empty stomach?” he asked the Teacher. “My stomach was fine previously!”

“Usually we vomit when we get rid of something we can’t digest. That need not be necessarily food, but also it can be an unpleasant experience!”

“How does that happen?” asked Christos.

“It is better not to discuss this now in your condition,” the Teacher said. “The explanation can be found in the area of psychosomatics. Let us talk about this theory another time. Come! Let me make you some tea! It will fix your stomach!”

After the Teacher prepared the tea, they sat in the living room of his apartment.

“That was an intense meeting today,” Christos said and shyly added, “I am sorry for all of this!”

“It is nothing,” the Teacher laughed, “in other cases people suffer much worse! You should be glad that you only vomited!”

The Teacher continued, “Regarding indifference and students that don’t reply your calls and play the spitting stamp game, I would suggest that you don’t bother with them. It is better to socialize with people who don’t have issues with indifference so that you can break free from that role yourself!”

“Okay, I can do that!” Christos said who already felt a lot better.

“What are you going to do now?” the Teacher asked.

“What will I do? The new goal is the old one; to expand my social circle and go out more!”