Chapter 22: (v.2) Dynamics Of Siblings

A few weeks passed and Christmas holidays approached. During this time, lessons in university continued without interruption.

Christos continued to employ the same tactic he adopted at the beginning of the semester, focusing more on the social and romantic aspects of life rather than on his studies.

He still hadn’t found a girlfriend, but he wouldn’t give up.

“This summer you were born,” the Teacher used to tell him. “Now you are like a little baby learning to walk. Your real goal however is neither to walk, nor run, but to fly! When you learn how to fly, nobody will be able to catch you!”

He still had a lot of work to do and he knew it. However, steadily and increasingly he learned knew things with the work he did with the Teacher. Now he could relatively easy identify when a person became competitive with him using the roadblocks to communication.

That didn’t mean of course he didn’t feel annoyed by competitive behavior. Many were the times where others caught him of guard and became competitive with him.

That resulted in emotional blocks that lasted about an afternoon, followed by outbursts of rage the next day to the pillows and the bed mattresses. The duration his blockages lasted was reduced, due to his increased ability to diagnose which competitive behavior the other persons used against him. The intensity of his rage however still retained its magnitude and even sometimes exceeded its first outbursts from when he first returned to Thessaloniki.

“What really baffles me is why my fellow students compete with me when I am distracted or when feeling down,” said Christos to the Teacher on one of their meetings. “Why does this happen? Nobody has ever used the roadblocks to communication when I am in a good mood!”

“This happens,” the Teacher said, “because people know, even subconsciously, when somebody is vulnerable or not. And since most people have a negative image for themselves, they don’t miss a chance to step on you so that they appear better."

“So, what should I do in these cases?” asked Christos.

“Be always on your guard and see what’s coming before it hits you. You should know that what we fear, we attract! The competitive behaviors you fear, you provoke others to do them to you!”

Christos slightly shivered with the thought that he acted as an attraction point for these negative behaviors. He shivered and then thought that the sooner he overcame the negativity, the faster he would stop attracting it. Immediately he noticed that the most frequent ways that others competed Christos at that time were mostly with criticism and humiliation.

“These are the behaviors that both Petros and Iulia have given you,” said the Teacher. “This is why they are so strong inside you! Roadblocks to Communication that are used by both parents are more difficult to be overcome.”

“And why are they more difficult to overcome?” asked Christos.

“Because if both parents apply the same method to discipline a child, then the child doesn’t learn any alternatives, and thus sees only one side of the coin.” The Teacher went on, “If, for example, one parent criticizes a lot but the other parent doesn’t, the child will learn that there are critics in life, but there are also people who are not. Therefore, the child can choose not to criticize, by adopting the behavior of the more accepting parent. If both criticize, criticism. Unless of course it dares with its own initiative to learn more about what’s out there.”

Thinking that he himself wanted to learn more about what existed beyond the sets and rules of his own family, Christos asked, “How can someone deal with criticism?”

“With the understanding that what others criticize on us is exactly what they don’t accept on themselves.”

“I don’t get this,” Christos said.

“When a person criticizes project criticism is never something personal.”

“I think I understood that,” Christos said. “And what about humiliation? What will I do when others try to devalue me?”

“You will say to yourself that you are worthy,” the Teacher said.

“Okay!” Christos said, “Sounds like useful advice!”

A few days passed and Christos applied the Teacher's advice. He felt more alert than before, being able to better counter competitive behaviors when others targeted him. However, with this expectation, to always be in check, he eventually burned himself out. Then Christos accidentally spilled one of his fellow student's cup of coffee. The fellow student said to him, rather annoyed, “Sheesh, what an idiot you are! You can’t do anything right!”

Christos became very angry with these words. However, this time instead of becoming blocked, for the first time he realized that what that guy did was humiliation together. Then, he said to the student, “And yet, I did one thing right: To bathe you in coffee!”

Nobody said anything else and Christos smiled. From that moment, when somebody tried to judge or humiliate Christos, he followed the previous advice of Teacher of how to deal with competition, and maneuvered better. Yet still, he fell into unexpected traps, lost his words, got scared, froze, and then became furious again when he returned to his flat.

Regarding the fear of ridicule, he didn’t have yet the opportunity to face a similar event again, nevertheless he thought that this chance would be given to him sometime in the future. What he really pursued was to learn as many things for man as he could and consequently, for himself.

Around the end of November, he made an interesting conversation with the Teacher:

“Adler said that there are three basic parts in human life,” the Teacher said. “The part of work, the social part and the part of love. Theory says that a person must find a solution to all three by the time it reaches adulthood. If all three parts are blocked by then, that person becomes schizophrenic!”

“What does my case say?”

“You were completely blocked on the social and love aspects of your life,” the Teacher replied. “On the part of work, you had found a way out, but eventually that way became blocked as well.”

“Is this why I felt I was going crazy during the summer?” said Christos feeling terrified by realizing that it might have been a really close call for him becoming a pathological case. “Thank god I met you,” he said and felt grateful knowing that there were still periods in his life where he felt severely confused.

“I might be guiding you right,” the Teacher said, “but you have chosen to listen! Our contract goes both ways!”

“I can see that as well,” replied Christos.

But he saw something else, with which he wasn’t involved yet.

A student in the university, listening to the name Nektarios, bothered Christos a lot, without doing anything against him.

That student achieved a better average grade than Christos and Christos felt devalued in front of him, as if Nektarios possessed godly powers and Christos was a piece of trash ready to be thrown away.

One day, Christos and three other students sat and listened to Nektarios’ speech. He explained his philosophical theories and everyone listened to him with their mouth open, astonished.

Christos felt completely worthless. That made him become completely blocked, and he wanted to get up and leave their company. But he couldn’t put his thoughts into action.

Starting to daydream and thinking incoherently, Christos’ mind went to another dimension. From time to time, he thought about Michalis his brother, but as soon as he tried to bring his image into his mind, the image disappeared, because it brought him great discomfort. Generally, he felt pathetic.

He would stay in the coffee shop lost in his world, if it wasn’t for that voice that snapped him back to reality, “Hey Christos!” Maria said. “We are leaving, aren’t you coming?”

His fellow students stood ready to depart the coffee shop, all surrounding Nektarios, who appeared magniloquent and full of energy, having his equals glued on him like ticks.

Standing up and walking like a drunken person he joined them and thought that it would be good to talk about that event with the Teacher next time they met.

“Can you write down a memory that includes you and Michalis?” the Teacher asked, after Christos narrated the recent event with Nektarios.

Christos wrote the first thing that came to mind:

He must have been little, in primary school, and they ate with his family. Michalis, always with his pompous and clean speech talked with his father and mother, and they listened with attention, impression by the eloquence of their son.

Keeping silent and listening to his brother speaking, he started to think of himself as lesser than Michalis. However, he didn’t feel angry about it, but pathetic.

“The role that comes out of this memory,” the Teacher said, “is, When an equal attracts the attention of the people who are close to me, I become insignificant and feel pathetic.”

Then the Teacher added, “I guess you project Michalis to Nektarios, Christos. That explains why you become blocked every time he is around.”

Christos realized at that moment that Nektarios also strived to attract attention towards him. But he did react aggressively with the thought of him being inferior to his brother.

“But I don’t feel inferior in front of Michalis,” said Christos, annoyed. “On the contrary, I perceive as inferior to me,” he added, recalling that he very seldom involved himself with his brother.

“What you do, to devalue him, is what you have received from him,” the Teacher replied. “You consider him inferior and don’t think about him, because he does the same to you. Usually the manner in which we reject someone shows what that person also does to us.”

“My brother has the ability to attract the attention of other people,” Christos admitted. “Either with his words or his actions.”

“See?” the Teacher said. “The picture you have for your equals is the picture you have for Michalis. Wherever you go, you subconsciously see him!”

“Yet,” the Teacher proceeded, “with the work we do, slowly, after you make new acquaintances and meet different kinds of people, the negative picture you have for your equals will disappear.”

“Like the picture I have for women, where I always see my mother in them?”

“Exactly! Like that picture!”

“So, what do I do now with Nektarios?”

“Simply observe what he does that bothers you.”

“How is possible to feel good when he is around?” asked Christos and his anger turned to despair. “It is practically impossible for me! It is as if I lose myself and disappear from the face of the earth!”

“The only thing you have to do in his presence, is to also join the conversation,” the Teacher said. “And truth is, if Nektarios always want to attract attention, then too bad for him.”

“He attracts all the attention and I feel insignificant!”

“And what is the price for drawing others’ attention? Have you any idea how exhausting it can be when he must draw attention on him all the time? Eventually, he will probably become angry with his behavior, or with the person that taught him that behavior, be it his father, his mother or his siblings!”

“He has no siblings!” Christos said.

“That explains it,” the Teacher said. “It is very common for only-children to want to attract attention constantly.”

As if a switch was turned inside him, Christos’ despair vanished, and it was replaced by curiosity to hear what the Teacher would say. “What other characteristics do only children have?” he asked.

“Well,” the Teacher said, “generally, an only child does not know how to share and wants everything for itself. Also, it wants to draw attention, but it can also have something good: it can devote to a living being to the point of sacrifice.”

“My brother is clearly not an only child!” Christos said laughing. “He has me as a brother!”

“It doesn’t work like that!” the Teacher said and then asked, “How many years do you differ with Michalis?”

“Ehh. . . two," Christos asked wondering the reason of the question.

“Then Michalis is not an only child,” the Teacher said. “In order for a person to be an only child, that person must either be without siblings, or the difference with his/her siblings must be more than three and a half years.”

“Okay, now I understand,” Christos said. “But why does work that way?”

“Because three and a half years for two siblings is a big difference in age and the older one doesn’t see the younger as equal. They belong to different generations. Additionally, the older child has already established its place in the family without competition and in its private logic that it is the only child.”

“Does the older child ignore its little brother?”

“Not necessarily. Depending on how good the relationship of the parents is, it can adopt it or reject it. If it adopts it, the younger child gets a third parent, otherwise it becomes rejected.”

“I understand,” Christos said who felt he satisfied his thirst for knowledge for that day on this topic.

“Very good,” the Teacher replied. “Any other questions?”

Christos replied, “I don't think I have anything else to ask. It seems that my job now is to observe an only-child!”