Chapter 31: (v.2) New Academic Year - Agoraphobia/Stress/Achieving The Impossible/The Fear Of Not Making It

The summer passed and Christos became even more determined to stop giving importance to his parents and to focus on himself. With that decision, the arrows that were frequently shot against him in the form of traps by all three of his closest family members started to lessen. Now he could find the calmness and courage to become completely involved in solving the social aspects of his life.

As much as necessary evils allowed him however, as, in this new academic year, his program included studying and writing his master's dissertation. It would take him some time to finish it, but at least he liked the topic of this project and additionally, he had no lectures to attend that year, so he would have more freedom.

Initially, he found the professor who would supervise his dissertation, and after they discussed the topic, they agreed that they didn’t need to meet that often. So, Christos thought that since he wouldn’t attend lectures it would be good for him to enroll in some social group to continue his struggle towards socialization. After researching it, he chose to attend swimming classes a few times a week.

"It is a good thing to train,” said the Teacher, “that way, you will flatten your belly, build some muscle and have a good-looking body!”

He kept visiting the Teacher, however, the group meetings happened less frequently as some of the team members could not attend.

A few weeks passed and Christos made progress with his dissertation and then contacted his supervisor, who asked him to see the work he had done, by making a presentation at his office.

That made Christos freeze from fear, a fear that couldn’t be named existential fear this time. Seeing the amount of information he had to understand and assimilate, Christos began to believe that he wouldn’t succeed in his task and that it would lead him to quit the program. Not being able to find a rational solution from his mental obstacle, he contacted with the Teacher to discuss and find the source of the problem.

"You fear that you will not make it,” said the Teacher when Christos described him his thoughts.

"What shall I do now?” Christos asked. “How will the fear go away?”

"We could always find a memory in which the result is you not succeeding in your efforts. Is there any such memory?”

No matter how hard he tried, no memories came to Christos’ mind. “I can’t remember,” he finally said.

"It’s okay,” the Teacher said, “it will happen, you just need to give it some time!”

"Yes, but time I don’t have!” said Christos who felt a tightening in his chest by thinking the time margins and volume of the work he had to present.

"It seems you are stressed Christos,” the Teacher noticed. “Have we ever talked about stress?”

"No, not a thing,” Christos replied.

Stress is usually caused by three reasons,” the Teacher proceeded. “1) A traumatic experience during childhood, 2) Rushing during the sexual act, 3) A bad relationship with people who are close to us. But more generally, the rule says that stress is caused when we fear there is no time to do something, which if it is not completed, it will have harmful consequences for us.”

"Which of the three is relative to my case?” asked Christos.

"Do you rush during sex?” asked the Teacher.

"From the experience I have until now,” said Christos, “probably not. But, I sure have bad relationship with my parents and there must be some traumatic experience in my past.”

"I agree,” said the Teacher. “The relationship with your parents can be improved and that can happen in the future, if you change. The traumatic experiences can be overcome with registration changes and I believe you should follow that strategy.”

"Alright, I’ll look into it,” Christos said.

"Christos,” the Teacher added, “more often than not it is mothers who cause stress to children.”

"Why does that happen?”

"I suppose it has to do with how mothers are educated, what I simply want to say is that you should probably head towards that direction.”

Christos returned to his flat and thought of past events that caused him stress.

He must have been around 5th grade in primary school and Iulia had caught him unprepared for next day's lesson and more specifically, Christos had trouble identifying the parts of speech in a sentence.

Iulia selected a big paragraph and gave it to Christos saying, “I want you to find out the parts of speech these words are!”

"But I can’t!” Christos complained who really didn’t know.

"Do it!” said Iulia strictly and stood up from her chair. “I am going to the living room to check how Michalis is doing and when I come back, you better have done everything!”

Working stressed and as hard as he could, Christos couldn’t complete this task.

When Iulia returned, she caught him again unprepared puffing critically and making Christos felt guilty, for not being able to succeed.

"She asked you to achieve the impossible,” said the Teacher on the phone when Christos told him that memory. “The consequences were to always try to achieve the unachievable, but to also put yourself in situations where you were required to achieve the unachievable, just as it has happened again these days with the work you had to show to your supervisor.”

Upon hearing these words, Christos’ stress faded away, since he understood that when he talked with his supervisor last time, he himself provoked him to “load” him with work, asking whether he should read that chapter and then the other. The professor replied affirmatively to his questions, because he would have liked Christos to study as many things as he could around the topic, but not that it would have meant the end of the world if he didn’t do so, since many of the chapters Christos asked to read, were not entirely relevant to his dissertation and belonged to the sphere of general knowledge. After that, Christos set compulsively a goal to succeed in assimilating all this huge volume of information that his supervisor had assigned him, only to verify that other people asked him to do the impossible and that he would be able to achieve it.

Changing registration to that memory, Christos imagined that what his mother asked him to do was irrational and there existed no point in trying to achieve it. He then thought that if she didn’t like his incomplete knowledge of the syntax, then she had a problem. He then followed his own rhythm of study, regaining finally his inner calm.

With that successful registration change, Christos prepared his work and presented it to his supervisor. Even though he felt nervous the moment he made the presentation on the board, he kept his quartz crystal in his pocket, reassuring himself that he would walk together with his fear and go forward. The results were good and the supervisor became satisfied, urging him to continue his progress until their next meeting.

"Well done!” the Teacher said, “now you will see that in time you will stop seeking the impossible and you will be able to set realistic goals, that are certain you can achieve!”

The Teacher continued, “Nevertheless, anxiety can reappear in the future Christos. For that, a good relaxation technique is this: lie down in bed on your back and stretch your left foot and right arm, and then your right foot and left arm. Then you take ten deep breaths, so deep that the lungs press the stomach. That makes you relaxed.”

"But I suppose that lasts only temporarily. . .” said Christos.

"Of course it is temporary!” the Teacher said. “When we make a relaxation exercise, anxiety goes away for some time, and then it comes back. In order for stress to be permanently gone, then I must be constantly involved with it, with exercises: with the relaxation we just said, with meditation, with light training, with right nutrition and with a calm way of life!”

"Okay then, I will try to improve my diet and avoid stressful events!”

***

The days passed and Christos decided to take a break from his dissertation and be involved more with the development of his social skills. His schedule contained going for swimming, however he postponed it and sat to the computer, playing games.

After a week of skipping classes, he decided to go to the swimming classes. So, he went out of his flat and headed towards the facilities. However, as he walked, he started to worry about what kind of people he would meet there.

The closer he reached his destination, the more the fear increased and for a moment, he started to believe that the people who would be there and didn’t know him and neither him them, would reject him, verifying his lack of worth. “But where am I going?” he wondered. “What business do I have in a swimming pool?”

Not being able to understand what got into him, he turned around and returned to his flat and then, after recovering from his shock, he became angry because of his fear. Grabbing the dusting broom, he began to strike the bed's sheets to unleash his anger. When he calmed down, he calmed the Teacher, who urged him to discuss the event from close.

"What were your thoughts the moment you went to the lesson?” asked the Teacher on their meeting.

"I felt worried for the people I would meet there!”

"Why?” the Teacher asked curiously. “What could possible happen?”

"They could laugh with me, or not consider at all.”

"Here your existential fear speaks Christos, which from what it seems isn’t gone yet. However, I wonder if there is something more to this. It looks more like here!”

Then, immediately, a memory played inside Christos’ mind:

He was around four years of age, in Athens with his family and walked in the crowds in the center. Then, suddenly, Christos realized that his parents had disappeared! He became terrified and continued walking ahead to find his parents but they were nowhere to be seen.

Some of the passing people asked where his family was, but Christos scared as he was, didn’t reply and became overwhelmed by despair: a little child in an adult world.

Then, he had an idea to go back to the point where he last remembered being with them. He traced back his path and in the distance he saw his parents looking for him worried and he run relieved towards them.

"The consequences of that memory,” the Teacher said, “is to fear people. Mostly unknown people and mostly in unknown environment.”

"So, I became scared of the unknown on the way to the swimming pool?”

"That seems to be the case!”

"But isn't fear of the unknown something normal?” Christos asked. “Doesn’t it exist in all people?”

"Danger lurks in the unknown, yes this is the truth, but not all people have that fear.” He went on, “I had a patient who never feared the unknown and always tried new things, met new people and travelled a lot.”

"I see,” Christos replied. “So, I fear strangers because they will reject me?”

"Because you fear that they will reject you, Christos. Yes, this is what you fear!”

"What is the solution here?”

"To try to do new things of course! Don’t be content only with what you are familiar with! Go to the swimming lessons next time!”

"With my fear hand in hand. . .” Christos added.

"Exactly!” the Teacher laughed. “With your fear hand in hand!”

***

Upon changing registration to the previous memory, Christos imagined that while being lost in the crowd feeling small and defenseless, he suddenly grew bigger to adult size. “I am not a child anymore!” he thought, “and I have nothing to fear in a place I don’t know!” So, his fear of the unknown lessened.

The next time he attempted to go for the swimming classes, Christos started to fear again what he would encounter when he got there. But he touched the quartz crystal and recalled the registration change he did. That way he became unblocked and he managed to attend the class. He entered the sport facilities, met the trainer and his co-athletes, the lesson was done and the unknown became known.

In the end of the lesson, Christos thought that he had enough for the day and wanted to go home. However, then, just before he reached the exit, Giorgos, one of the swimmers told him, “Hey, Christos! Stay a while for a little chat!”

Christos replied, “Okay, I’ll stay!” but he didn’t mean it.

The other swimmers started talking with each other and even though under normal circumstances Christos could communicate relatively well with people, that moment, because he did something he didn’t want to do, he lost his mood for chatting. He only managed to say, “Ehh, sorry guys but I have an appointment I cannot miss!” and walk away, but he feared to say it.

A time came where the conversation was over and Christos left the facilities, confused to a degree that he got a headache. He returned home and went directly to the Teacher to discuss the event.

"But what got into me?” asked Christos the Teacher.

"It appears you are just like your father, Christos,” the Teacher replied.

"But why do you say that?” asked Christos a bit annoyed.

"Your father behaves the same way in front of people,” the Teacher said calmly, “he can’t wait to leave a social gathering and return home!”

A sudden flashback made Christos remember a past event with his father and he told it to the Teacher: He was with his father in the central square of Aleksandroupoli, walking, and then, his father saw some acquaintances in the distance. Petros changed the course they headed, acting as he didn’t see them, and murmuring, “I will get a headache if I talk to them!”

"That memory defined your social stance and behavior, Christos,” the Teacher said. “Your father never goes out, doesn’t he?”

"Not now,” said Christos, “but when we were kids, we used to go out now and then.” Then he continued, “I recall the last time we went out, we were still kids. I can remember clearly the expression on his face, as if he thought, 'What am I doing in this place?'”

"You must have felt the same with the other people in the swimming pool, right?”

"Yes, I felt exactly like that!” Christos replied.

"Well, then, I have news for you Christos: You are not your father! Stop imitating him!”

"That is not news,” Christos replied. “You said it in the group meetings last year!”

"You have a good memory!” the Teacher laughed.

Christos smiled and then said, “But seriously, what I felt in the swimming pool differed from the fear of the unknown.”

"It must have been agoraphobia, Christos,” the Teacher said.

"Agoraphobia?" Christos asked, “What is that?”

"Agoraphobia," the Teacher replied, “is the fear that a person will find itself in difficult social circumstances from where it will not be able to escape!”

"This is exactly what I felt in their presence!” shouted Christos.

"I see that the reason the memory when you went to play to the house of your friend (Ch. 13) is so strong is because you had adopted your father's social stance. Otherwise if you socialized normally in your childhood and teens, the memory would have lost its intensity.”

"I believe you are right,” Christos said. “What should I do to erase the agoraphobia?”

I have a solution that will help you overcome the fear of unknown as well: You will go to as many different places you can in Thessaloniki. As much as your available time allows it, you will meander around the city so that you become acquainted more with the fear of the unknown. Now, whenever you find yourself in the company of people, you will persist in staying if there is no real obligation that demands you depart!”

"And what will I say?”

"You will speak loud and clear and look the others in the eyes!” the Teacher said. “That will make you find what to say!”

"Right, time to apply that knowledge now!”

***

A few weeks passed, and Christos applied Teacher's advice looking people in the eyes and talking with a louder voice. He used to go out often, visiting always new places and tried in the swimming classes to stay there and fight his agoraphobia by not going home if he didn’t have to.

The fear of the unknown and the agoraphobia started to subside and it felt as a shadow that clouded his mind disappeared.

Then, in the place of the fear of the unknown went the curiosity of exploration, a thing that began to be applied everywhere: in his dissertation, on everyday life, he even felt in the mood to travel a bit.

So, he booked a plane ticket to go by himself in Athens for a weekend, however, when the expected weekend arrived, he woke up too late, thus missing his flight.

Instead of becoming angry, Christos felt sad this time and contacted the Teacher to have an individual meeting.

"What’s the matter Christos?” the Teacher asked when he saw him on their appointment.

"I had set in mind to travel in Athens for the weekend,” he replied, “but I fell asleep and missed the plane!”

"So, what? Can’t you go the next weekend?”

"Of course I can,” he said, “but it is if. . . I don’t know how to describe this!”

"What are your thoughts?”

"I think that something I planned didn’t happen.”

"You mean it was cancelled?”

"Yes, this is a word more fitting,” Christos replied.

"More often than not, cancellation causes violent behavior,” said the Teacher. “I had some patients that always aborted their child, promising it things and always cancelling them. Then the child began to physically abuse its classmates, for no reason.” Then the Teacher continued, “Now, in your case, you cancelled yourself!”

"I used the fourth mode of human behavior,” Christos concluded and at the same time he escaped his depression.

"Yes, and that is the reason you felt so bad, you violated yourself by blaming him that he missed the plane!”

"That is exactly what happened! I felt unworthy because I couldn’t keep the promise I made myself! But I didn’t have intention to do this! It just happened!”

"Things are as you say Christos,” the Teacher replied. ‘But, I wonder which of your two parents gave you cancellation? Have you found anything?”

"Yes,” Christos replied. “I found the following memory:”

It was Christmas time and Christos waited impatiently to go with his father to buy a computer game, as he promised him. However, at the last moment Petros did not keep his word, saying that he had a lot of work to do.

Reacting with an unbelievable rage followed by shouting and yelling, Christos screamed, “That imposter!”

"Imposter?” asked the Teacher surprised, “Do you generally have the impression that your father deceives you?”

"No,” said Christos, “but I have picture that he is being deceived in his work and maybe from there it sunk in me.”

"That’s not impossible,” the Teacher said. “Of course, that memory is cancellation!”

"However, in this case my father had a reason for not keeping his promise,” Christos said. “He had a lot of work!”

"Your father works freelance, is he not?” asked the Teacher rhetorically. “decides when he’ll work and when he won’t. He could have avoided the cancellation, by taking you to buy your game another day.”

"The way you put it,” Christos said, “it makes sense,” and by realizing that, he got angry. “What were the consequences of this past event for me?” he then asked.

"The consequences of this memory,” the Teacher replied, “are that each time you make a promise to yourself, there is always a threat for that promise to be called off and for you to be rejected by yourself.”

A pause followed, in which Christos thought that now as then, he played computer games often, making him wonder how healthy that habit was. However, he decided not to discuss that topic that day.

"And now, how does one face cancellation?” asked Christos. “What can one do to prevent it from happening?”

"When dealing with cancellation caused by other people, there usually isn’t much we can do, regardless of the reason they cancel us. Whether they do it due to a neurosis or because something serious happened to them, we will feel a lot better if we stop cancelling ourselves.”

The Teacher continued, “Thus, if we fear something, we cause it to verify our private logic. In your case, I assume that you postpone things a lot until you fail to achieve them due to time constraints.”

"That does happen,” Christos replied. “Additionally,” he went on, “I noticed that I put too many things in my schedule and finally I don’t make it to do everything.”

"So, you still get cancellation. It seems to me that you must relax your busy schedule a bit, Christos. Do what you do until the point you feel tired. Then rest and continue some other moment. Remember what we have already said, when exhaustion comes, it then increases at a geometrical rate.”

"And what if I am really busy? What can I do then?”

"You can take a small break.”

"Okay then, I’ll do that!”