In The Wind

The sound of the wind woke April from a heavy sleep -- and for a moment she wasn't sure her dream had really ended.  She lay still in the dark for a few seconds, looking around in a bit of a haze.  Only the faintest trace of morning could be seen in the window, and a low howl whipped at the window screens. Finally April blinked, and she couldn't remember her dream at all, though for a frustrated moment she tried.

Her hand felt at the cold and empty spot next to her and then it was as if she could suddenly feel the weight of the world crushing her.  She was alone.  Cold, and alone.  If there had been a dream, it was over.

Now Isabel was crying in the next room, and April let out a sigh.  There was no going back to sleep now.  It was time to get up.

It was Cheerios for breakfast for little Izzy while April took a quick shower and dried her hair.  Thank goodness that the Saturday morning cartoons were keeping the little girl's attention today.  This meant that mommy could get ready for the day without a barrage of questions, or a sprawling mess of toys spreading down the hall and into the living room, or a carton of orange juice emptied all over the kitchen floor - though this last catastrophe could hardly make the floor any stickier than it still was from the last time this had happened.

Today, Isabel sat peacefully on the beige loveseat and quietly munched her breakfast while a brightly colored program about forest fairies played on TV.

April quickly finished her shower and pulled on a pair of comfortable jeans and a favorite white polo shirt.  She carefully dried and straightened her shoulder-length hair and, after finishing her makeup, managed a quick breakfast of yogurt and toast while she put on her shoes.

She checked the weather forecast on her phone, which measurements for both today and tomorrow.  Why does it do that, she thought, rolling her eyes.  The forecast for today is enough for me, I can’t worry about tomorrow yet.  The weather app showed a gray, blustery outlook for the day.

By this time, Isabel had long finished her cereal and was gently rubbing the couch cushion with her small fingers while she watched the next cartoon.

April came up behind her and gently kissed her on the cheek.

"Come on, honey, let's get you dressed!" she said.

But that wouldn't do.  Isabel said nothing, but gave a frown and ducked her head quickly downward in disapproval.

"Sweetie, come on," April urged, as she stroked the girl's head.  "We're going to the park today, do you remember?"

Ah!  Isabel hadn't remembered, and that was enough to set her going!

The wind outside had lessened somewhat, but it was still audible outside Isabel's bedroom window as the mother helped her daughter dress.  Isabel resisted all attempts for her outfit to be chosen, and over the last several months April still had not figured out a good way to convince the girl that she could not wear three shirts at the same time.  So, as she did most days, April patiently pleaded in turn for each individual shirt to be worn alone.  The girl’s pouty lips, as they did each day, gave a negative answer each time.

Those lips, April's mother had said, were the image of April's own.  When she had been a young girl, her mother said, this daily performance was much the same, and those pouty lips and a furrowed brow were central to the act.

Isabel had those lips and that headstrong attitude, that was true -- but not that furrowed brow.  Though it was smoother and gentler in detail, April knew, as she looked at the soft face of her young girl, whose brow that was.

It was then, for a moment, that April’s thoughts drifted and she wondered again at the dream she had in the night.  But the thought faded quickly as she returned her attention to her fussy child.

Finally, and almost imperiously, the girl chose a pink top, adorned with bits of white lace and the image of two little ducks with pink bows.  This was paired with purple pants that had been given as a gift from one of April’s closest friends.  It was a great outfit for a playful young girl, and it accented the natural energy that already glistened in the girl’s eyes and played about her dimples.

The mother and daughter were now nearly ready to begin their adventure, and April quickly retrieved her purse, placing several baggies of treats and a bottle of water inside.  The day was most definitely blustery, so they each took a coat to wear and excitedly went to the door.  They locked the bolt behind them and had scarcely reached the lower landing of their apartment building when Isabel froze quite suddenly and loudly announced that she urgently needed the bathroom.  And so back they went.

April waited on the loveseat while Isabel used the bathroom.  It was now nearly 9:00, but felt somewhat later.  April reminded herself that the wind had woken them early and that, in spite of their lengthy preparations, they were still earlier than she had initially planned.

A trip to the park on Saturday morning was a weekly ritual for April and Isabel.  They had done it nearly every week for almost a year, and both of them looked forward to it all week long.  Separated for much of the week by work and daycare, it became their chance to truly connect to each other and to enjoy time together.  It was simple, but sublimely pleasurable.  April loved to take out her phone and snap pictures of Izzy as she played amongst the woodchips and on the swings, and these shots were spread generously amongst the framed pictures that she kept on two small tables against the living room walls.

As she waited, April gazed contentedly at these well-ordered tables.  She looked at the photos of Isabel, and she smiled.  How grateful she was!  God had given her a wonderful daughter.  Her little impish grins as her face poked out from a playground tunnel were a beautiful mercy in April’s life.  Her little raised hands throwing autumn leaves that danced in the October sunshine reminded her that some things were not dreary.  She loved that girl’s playful and innocent heart.  But the girl’s face was very much like another face that appeared in the pictures on the table, and very often April had to turn away when she saw that face.  And today, as she wiped away a quick tear, she did turn away.

In short order, April and Isabel were back out on the landing and walking together down the sidewalk through the neighborhood.  The day seemed gray and uneasy, however, and it made April uneasy, too.  Something about this day – something in the cold, windy air, maybe, was unsettling, but she couldn’t quite figure what it was.  For a moment as they walked, just after they passed the property line of their apartment complex, she thought she sensed someone or something following them, and she paused.  She glanced around, but she saw nothing and the feeling disappeared when she and Isabel were approached just then by a friendly face from the other direction.

It was Mrs. Theresa Martino – a kindly middle-aged woman who, with her husband, lived in the same apartment complex as April and Isabel, and knew them well.  Mrs. Martino was forever walking around the neighborhood and it was impossible to know if she was coming or going.

“Oh, my dears, how are you this morning?!” she chirped.

April made a polite, but vague response, and Mrs. Martino continued to extoll the greatness of the day, to adore little Isabel, and to chatter about the neighborhood.

April had a great deal of appreciation for Mrs. Martino, whom she had met almost immediately after moving in to the apartment complex about four years earlier.  Indeed, Mrs. Martino had made a point to know, better than anyone in the neighborhood, all of the fine points of April’s life.  That wasn’t a bad thing, but today April didn’t feel like talking.  She knew, somehow, what subject would eventually make its way to the surface of their discussion.

“April, dear, you have such a beautiful face!  I wish you wouldn’t look so sad!”

“Oh, do I look sad?  Oh!  Well, I sure don’t mean to.  I think it must be the effect of the weather.  Well, Izzy and I were just headed to the park, and we had probably better get moving along!”

“April,” said Mrs. Martino, touching April’s arm, “I hope you know that you are very young and very pretty.”

“Oh, thank you!”

“Of course, dear!  Now, I know that you miss Shawn.  So much!”

Here it came.  Ready or not, here it came.

“I mean, it must just be awful!” Mrs. Martino continued.  “I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel, even now.  He was such a good man.  And I think I’m even something of a harsh judge, dear!  I bet you think about him all the time, and I couldn’t blame you at all.  But dear, if he wanted you to be happy, I’m just certain that you could find another very wonderful man to be happy with.”

So it was, in that moment, that Mrs. Martino breached the very center of the tender spot that April had been trying to avoid all morning.  Immediately, a lump rose in her throat and she found it hard to breathe.

 "Oh!" She said, and with some effort quickly manufactured a painful smile.  After trying for several more seconds, she found she could muster no other words, so she simply repeated, "Oh!"  Feeling awkward, she turned her face meekly away from Mrs. Martino, whose silvering hair was rising and falling in awkward tufts as the wind blew.

How could she say a thing like that, April wondered.  Why is she always saying things like that?  Does she have no sense?  April immediately wished she could disappear, and wished they could have simply waved to their neighbor in passing instead of stopping to talk.  How could she be so insensitive, talking to me about Shawn like that?  Finding another man?!  What a senseless thing to say!

April was married to Shawn for exactly ninety-three days.  They had met in a very unlikely way on a commuter train two years before that, and April knew pretty quick that she was in love.  They dated and adored each other’s company.  He proposed to her on a small rented dinner boat under the gentle light of twilight stars, and they were married in a lovely and secluded private garden not long after, followed by a short but wonderful honeymoon in Mexico.

Only a couple of months after their marriage, and just five days before his first deployment, April had told Shawn she was pregnant, and they had celebrated with dinner out on the town.  And then, exactly twelve days after he left, he was gone forever.  A blast at the roadside took his life as a military transport moved him to his post in a place April had only heard of in news reports.

The memory of that dark day still hung low, like the clouds in the sky.

More than three years had passed now since Shawn had been gone from April.  She had spent more time without him now than she had with him, but she still left the pain of losing him.  She had found that by putting one foot in front of the other, she could move on with life, but it was hard – almost impossible – to think about a new future.  She hated the idea of any kind of life without Shawn.  How could she forget him?  He was part of her, just like Isabel was.  Their little girl only knew her daddy in pictures and videos -- yet April felt that the girl really loved him.  Was she crazy to feel like Shawn was still part of their family?

No, she thought, there really couldn't be another Shawn.  No matter what Mrs. Martino said.

Of course, to be fair, Shawn was no more perfect than anyone else.  April was smart enough, even from the time they were dating, to know that fairy tales are fairy tales for a reason, and she learned quickly that they didn’t live in one.  The short time that Shawn and April shared together had not been without challenges, but the beauty of their relationship lay in a power to forgive and an eagerness to see each other laugh.  And oh, how very, very much they had laughed together!  And how sorely she missed that laughter now.

Blinking back tears, April brought her eyes back to meet Mrs. Martino’s.   "Thank you, Mrs. Martino,” she said, forcing down the lump in her throat, and certainly sounding more than a little brusque.  “I'm lucky to have a friend caring about my happiness.  But I am happy. But thank you anyway.  Now, we’d better get going."

Mrs. Martino made quiet reply, but April barely heard it. She grabbed Izzy’s hand and marched quickly away, blushing and flustered over the unwelcome conversation.

, April repeated again to herself.  Some people are so unhelpful.  They just don’t get it.  Can she even understand how awkward and painful that was?

April felt clammy and weak now, and she still couldn't shake the odd feelings of the day.  As she and her little girl moved down the block, she still had an odd feeling of being watched; of being followed.  She glanced around again, but saw nothing unusual.

The wind picked up a little more and was on the verge on making the weather truly unpleasant, but April didn’t like the idea of turning back and potentially encountering Mrs. Martino again.  So they pressed on, down one block and then another, turning left and continuing straight toward the park.

As they stepped onto the cool green grass and headed toward the playground, the wind died down just a little, and the rustle of the big oak trees faded.

Isabel pulled her hand away from her mother and ran the rest of the way toward the colorful equipment, laughing and giggling as she went.  April chuckled to notice that the girl’s pants were falling down as she hustled toward the playground and it was only once they got low enough on her legs that she couldn’t run that Isabel stopped, tugged her pants back up to her waist, and hurriedly marched onward.  Arriving at her favorite destination, she quickly climbed a few stairs and bounced her way joyfully along a little playground bridge to another piece of equipment.  She was the only child there today.

April arrived a few moments after her and sat down on a bench near the edge of the woodchips.  She watched with satisfaction as Isabel played ecstatically with some spinning playground cylinders, and she reached into her purse to get her cell phone.  She wanted to snap some pictures of her little girl today, but she needed just a minute to get herself together.

April closed her eyes and, for a moment just listened to the sounds of the day, letting it all wash over her.  She heard the wind rustling through the grass, and then quite loudly again through the leaves and branches of the massive old oak trees that ringed the playground.  April heard Isabel laughing, and she couldn’t help but smile.  The bench was hard and chilly underneath her, but she didn’t care.  The wind was a little cold, and it felt like a storm could move in later.  But for now, they would just enjoy the morning the best they could.

April drew in a long breath and let it slowly drain from her chest.  How tired she was!  Tired from a long week of work and tired from a long week of feeling!  She was glad to be here, but her insides tingled with a feeling of emptiness – an anxiety that it seemed like she could never quite run away from.

That had been her dream, she remembered.  It was Shawn.  She had dreamt about Shawn.

How long does sorrow last, she wondered.  You pull the weeds in a garden and they grow back.Does a heart ever grow back?  And can there ever really be a tomorrow, when the dreary todays never end?  All she could worry about was today.  Always, just get through today.

Another gust of wind blew, and April heard what sounded like an empty soda bottle bounce along the sidewalk a little distance to her left.  She sat in silence for a moment.  She drew in another breath and slowly let it out.

I haven’t done the dishes yet, she remembered.  I was going to do that last night.  And I think Rebecca needs that project file emailed by tonight – I’d better make sure that – 

April’s thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of footsteps coming across the grass behind her.  With more than a little alarm, April opened her eyes and spun around to see who was approaching.  But the sound was gone, and no one was there.  Just grass, and leaves blowing in the wind.

Her heart beating quickly, April’s eyes darted from left to right and back again, but she saw no one and nothing.  What was going on?  She quickly turned to face the playground just as little Isabel emerged from a tunnel to greet her with a bright smile.  But there was no one else over there near her.  What was it that April had heard?

“Hi Mommy!” the girl shouted with a little wave.  April waved back, but continued to feel uneasy.

“I’m losing it today,” she muttered, shaking her head.  “There’s no one here.”

She stood in place for a moment, waving again with a smile when another greeting was beamed her direction from Isabel.  She shook her head and shrugged, and then, with her cell phone in hand, April moved from the bench toward the playground platform where her daughter stood.  Taking a few pictures would help get the anxiety out of her heart, and it was what she had been looking forward to most today anyway!

“Alright, honey!” she called as she lifted the phone in front of her.  “Look over here!”

Isabel saw the phone and shrieked with joy -- she knew exactly what to do.  She was an absolute showoff for the camera!  In the shadow of the massive oak trees, with their leaves dancing in the breeze, Isabel scampered from the tunnel, to the bridge, to the swings – stopping and playing in each place and beaming delighted smiles up at her mother at each turn.  She looked radiant with her bright, twinkling eyes and her pink and purple outfit.

The little girl moved quickly, and she rarely held a pose for long.  April decided to set the camera to burst mode, knowing that her daughter’s eyes would probably be closed in half of the shots, and she hoped the rest of the shots weren’t blurred!  Izzy ran from the swings to a teeter-totter, and then to a small set of monkey bars, still laughing and smiling at each stop.

April chuckled with joy, calling out to Izzy and cheering her on as she snapped one series of photos after another.

“Great job, honey!  Oh, look how cute you look!  Look at that smile!  Here, show Mommy those teeth!  Oh, you’re such a pretty girl!”

This was what April had been excited for all day – this time with her daughter, filled with such laughter and fun.  She lived to see that adorable face, and to think of how her hard work during the week was all to make sure this precious girl had a promising future.  This little girl made everything worth it.

April chased Isabel from the little monkey bars over to the other side of the playground, next to one of the large oak trees.  There they found a big pile of leaves and together spent several minutes sitting in them, throwing them in the air, and chuckling as the leaves drifted back down. The two would bury their faces and hide from each other, and then erupt with laughter when revealing their faces to each other “peek-a-boo” style.  It was sheer delight for mother and daughter.

April stopped to get a few picture bursts of Izzy in the leaves, and then decided to get a few shots from a little further away.

“Stay here, honey – keep throwing the leaves, okay!” she called, as she walked back toward the playground equipment.  She turned around and took a few more picture bursts of the girl giggling as she continued to toss leaves in the air.  Many of the leaves quickly disappeared as a mounting breeze whisked them away over the grass.

Then, suddenly came a moment that April had not been expecting – a moment of unbelievable terror.  With a huge “whoosh,” a massive gust of wind blasted across the playground, sending thousands of leaves through in air in huge clouds and bending the giant oak trees, which groaned and swayed as leaves and twigs swirled in the air.  At first, Izzy squealed with delight as the leaves rushed past her, and April clicked the photo button to capture it, but quickly her heart sank when she heard a sickening “snap” in the leafy canopy above them.  April looked up and screamed when she saw the huge oak branch directly above Isabel begin to fall.  Virtually frozen with fear, she cried out for Isabel to move, but the howl of the wind drowned out her voice.  It was falling too quickly and there was no way she could reach her little daughter in time.  April closed her eyes in a scream of agony as she heard the branch fall with a “whoosh” through the air.

But instead of a terrible crashing sound, April heard a much lighter thud, followed by Isabel’s voice, making the sound children make when they are startled and aren’t sure whether to laugh or cry.  Opening her eyes, April saw that the branch had not landed on her daughter, but had somehow come down off to one side.  Izzy still sat amongst the leaves, puzzled and scared by the appearance of the branch, but otherwise totally unharmed.  At length, she began to cry outright.

April stood for a moment in total shock, still holding her phone in front of her.  She couldn’t quite understand or process what had happened.  Then, coming quickly to her senses at the sound of her daughter’s cries, April ran – stunned, grateful, and overcome with emotion – and scooped up Isabel in her arms.

“Come here, sweetie!  Oh, my goodness – are you okay?!”  April hugged the girl tightly, and together they alternately laughed and cried, still stunned and frightened by the sudden chain of events.

“It’s okay, Izzy, I’m here, I’m here.  Oh, I’m so glad you’re alright.  It’s okay – it’s gonna be okay.”

Despite the reassurances she offered to Isabel, however, April quickly discovered that the shock of the moment was overcoming her body, as her cries turned to violent sobs and her arms and legs began to quiver wildly.  She lowered Isabel to the ground and took her hand, trying to pull the girl with her toward the playground equipment, which she intended to grab hold of and support herself with.  Both still crying, they stagged together through the woodchips, stumbling as they went.

“My gosh, what just happened?” April wheezed.  “What just happened?  What is happening today?”  The young mother had nearly lost her daughter – the only thing she had left!  What kind of horror would her soul have known if that tree branch had landed on Isabel?  What would she have done?  How could she have born it?  Her heart heaved within her chest as she thought about it, and immediately she felt like throwing up.  She staggered again and almost fell, and Isabel, lurching with her, cried harder.

Just then came the shout of a familiar voice.  “April?  April?!  April, dear, are you alright?”

The figure of Mrs. Martino, apparently still out for a walk, came suddenly into focus, speeding briskly across the grass toward April and Izzy.  She reached out to them and steadied them, placing a gentle arm around April’s shoulder, which continued to quiver wildly.

“Mrs. Martino!” she cried.  “I—help me!  Oh, please, I – I don’t know what’s going on!  What’s happening today?”

Mrs. Martino, who carried a small tote bag on one arm, and who noted that the leaning and shaking of this frightened pair was likely to pull all three of them to the ground, gently began to guide them toward a park bench.

“Come here, my dears,” she said, “Come – here, come this way.  Let’s get you both sat down.  Everything will be alright.”

They reached the bench, and all three got situated.  The cold breeze began to peter out and April’s quivering began to let up.  She and Mrs. Martino were able to calm poor Isabel so that she stopped crying, and slowly the world seemed to be returning to normal.  Still, April felt shaken and uneasy as she began to tell her neighbor about the falling tree branch, which lay a few dozen yards away on the grass as testament to her story.

Alarmed through the whole tale, Mrs. Martino listened intently, her eyes never leaving those of her young neighbor.  As the explanation finished, April felt supremely foolish for having reacted so severely.  It was a tree branch, after all, not an 8.5 earthquake.  Nonetheless, Mrs. Martino gave her a warm smile and a firm hug.

“Oh, April, that must have been so scary!” she said.  “I bet your little heart skipped a thousand beats, my word!  Well, you’re okay now.  You’re both okay now, thank goodness.”

They were words that April needed, just then and there.  And she needed the hug, too.  Nothing felt better than the reassurance of a friend, and April’s nerves calmed considerably to hear them.  Mrs. Martino stroked April’s back for a moment, and then released her embrace on her to turn and offer a warm hug to Isabel, who accepted it enthusiastically.  April watched them embrace with gratitude.  Less than an hour ago she was glad to be rid of Mrs. Martino.  She scolded herself for that now.  She was glad to have someone to help her get her wits back.

After a few more moments of chatting, the day didn’t seem so gray and cold, though there was still some wind.  Mrs. Martino was ready to continue her walk, and April and Isabel were ready to head home.  They collected April’s purse and went on their way, and the walk back to the apartment was mercifully uneventful.

When they arrived, little Izzy ran straight for the bathroom – a move which didn’t surprise April at all.  Hey, for how hard it had been to potty train that kid, she didn’t care if Isabel took herself to the bathroom a hundred times a day!

April plopped back down on the living room sofa and sighed.  She looked at the tables filled with pictures and she smiled.  There they were.  All those beautiful pictures of little Isabel – at the park, at the lake, at her birthday party with friends.  April’s own face was there among the pictures, and so too was the sturdy, handsome face of Shawn.  She winced just a little as she looked at him.  But was she glad to have his pictures there, next to the happy shots of their beautiful little girl.

Hopefully some of the pictures she captured today would be good enough to join the others there in the living room.  In all the excitement, she hadn’t actually glanced at any of them.  She pulled out her phone and started to look, but she didn’t get very far.  The pictures app opened to the last set of images she took – the photo burst that happened right as the branch fell.  And once again, April’s heart skipped a beat.  The pictures were unbelievable.

April blinked and shook her head and looked again.  This simply couldn’t be right.  Could it?

In each image of the sequence, there was little Isabel, with leaves swirling all around her.  And there, just above her, was the terrifying, falling branch.  But between them, gripping the branch and pushing it to one side, was a brawny figure in army fatigues.  April zoomed the pictures and simply could not believe her eyes.  The brow.  The nose.  The mouth.  The chin.  The eyes.  It was Shawn.

For a moment, April felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her, but this time, instead of shock or fear or terror, a sudden sensation of warmth flooded her body from head to toe, and tears of joy streamed down from her eyes.  Now she knew who had followed them.  And she was simply overcome by what she pieced together in her mind.

It was good that Mrs. Martino was not here now, or anyone else, for that matter, because words simply would not come.  April just sat, staring at her phone, zooming in and zooming out, with her hand over her mouth and tears streaming down her cheeks.  She was still sitting there when Izzy emerged from the bathroom and turned on the TV.

How long she sat there, she really didn’t know.  But after what may have been minutes, or maybe even more than an hour, she finally closed the pictures app and looked up.  She glanced over at her blissful little daughter, and then over to the photos on the tables.  Again, she looked at Isabel, and then at those tables full of pictures.  Then, at last, April looked back at her phone.  Not knowing exactly why, she opened the weather app and, for the first time, looked at the prediction for tomorrow.  The forecast was warm and sunny.