My Last Days

To 2024, and the fact I’ve made it this far.

November 14, 2024

Today Mom said that if I don’t finish this term, she’ll take me out of figure skating.

1. That’s stupid because I’ve doing figure skating for years, and I want to compete professionally

2. She paid 2,000 dollars for the year and there are NO REFUNDS

Also, I’m not even doing that bad in school right now. I have two A’s, a couple B’s and C’s, and a singular D. AND it's still the beginning of the term. Besides, my academics don’t matter THAT much. After all, I WANT TO SKATE PRO.

Of course we got into a fight. She said offhanded rude things which I tried to counter. My dad was there but he didn’t say anything unless he thought I was being too rude to her. Which happened almost immediately and he stood threateningly and I ran to my room.

It sucks because today was actually a pretty good day. Me and Emly- her parents were hipsters and didn’t bother with the i in Emily- have every class together. I had two classes with Seth and he was teasing me relentlessly.

We are sooo getting married. Even if a million other girls are in love with him too. He’s not even that cute- I should know. I like him for his personality. It doesn’t even matter though because right now we’re just friends. I’m still 14 as it is- it’s not like we can start officially dating.

I am sooo excited to turn 15! I can finally get my permit and that basically means I can date. Even though I haven’t really studied for the test- I’m pretty confident most of it will be common knowledge. If I’m being honest though- I’m not sure how quickly the dating thing is gonna pick up. I think I’m awesome but I definitely am not the prettiest. I still love myself! It’s just the truth.

UGH. Ollie just burst into our room. She is sooo annoying. She literally WILL NOT leave me alone. Mom and Dad say it’s because we’re so similar that we “butt-heads”. I HATE when they say that because I DO NOT want to be compared to her. She literally swears at me all the time. And she’s only in sixth grade. Yesterday she called me a fat-ass and a bitch. The nerve!

At least today’s a Thursday so I won’t have to deal with too much school.

Gosh I hate my life.

November 16, 2024

Seth helped me with a lift today at figure skating! Eek! I have never felt so strongly for anyone ever. Who cares if we’re only Sophomores in high school? I don’t! I’ve already started planning the wedding.

You think I’m joking but I’m not.

November 25, 2024

AHHHHHHH! First of all- I HATE MONDAYS! But me and Dad got into a fight. I don’t even remember what about. I only know he used his famous “Elysia, you don’t follow through. You don’t try. So how are you gonna succeed as an adult?” line. FAR FAR AWAY FROM YOU! I’m quite aggravated. I can’t say he’s wrong though (I would never tell him that to his face!). I’m supposed to write in my journal nightly but I’ve been skipping.

Maybe I should write about yesterday?

I went to church. First hour was boring. Dad got angry at me and Lydia for talking. Second hour was fun. Rest of the day was chill.

Am I supposed to write about Saturday too then?

This is all too much work.

Maybe Dad’s right- I really don’t follow through or try. It’s just too much work. I really hate work.

November 26, 2024

We were talking about grades (again) when colledge got brought up. Lydia’s 16 so she needs to be thinking.

Mom made an offhand comment about how I probably won’t make it into college. She laughs it off. She says that sometimes. I think it’s supposed to be funny. It makes my heart hurt. Mom says I should always express how I feel but I don’t think they would get why that makes me hurt. But it also makes me think.

Is it too late for me to succeed then?

November 29, 2024

I’m so happy it’s almost December! Almost my birthday! It feels so good to have the weekend ahead of me. And skating!

Emly and I auditioned for the talent show (separately). Mom says I am more talented than her so I expect to get in. Mom isn’t usually wrong.

November 30, 2024

Skating was fun. I got to talk to Seth but I'm pretty sure an older girl on the team likes him. She’s prettier than me.

Emry got into the talent show and I didn’t. It doesn’t bother me too much, I have a lot going on anyways and I was acting all gracious to my mom about it. But then Emry was being stupid. She was all like “Oh no, now I have to perform all by myself.” She didn’t say “Sorry you didn’t make it in” or “I’m worried about not knowing anyone else backstage.” She made it about me fawning over her and how amazing she’d do. I love her but she’s manipulative underneath her skin but I don’t think she knows that.

Not the best day, but one I can handle.

December 1, 2024

DECEMBER! That means snow- though we haven’t gotten any yet.

I have to get up at 6:30 am every morning, Monday-Saturday and it’s EXHAUSTING. Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest but Dad always wakes me up for church. Granted it’s at 8:30 but still.

I really love my church. By that I mean the doctrine and the place. I have tons of friends in my class so I’m never bored. And I genuinely believe that it’s true. Sometimes it’s hard to be a Christian though. June- October were my best months. I was so faithful and not diverted. I guess I’ve grown out of that a bit. I miss it, but sometimes I feel like no one is listening. Whether I’m praying or even just talking to my family and friends.

Mom is in charge of us youth and today, after church, she made me and another girl in our ward and two boys go and visit the elderly. I like talking to the old people in our ward but I hate when it’s a forced visit. Too formal.

I don’t really want to go back to school tomorrow but at least it’s December. Things can only get better from here.

December 4, 2024

I’m so freaking frustrated. I cry when I’m frustrated. And when I’m mad. And sad. And scared. And happy. I cry a lot. I asked if I could take my permit test on my birthday. But Mom and Dad said they’re still deciding if I should be able to drive. I think my heart is breaking. Apparently I’m too “defiant” and I can’t be while driving. (And while I do admit I’m defiant I don’t think I would be while driving. Driving has high stakes.) Dad says I have to prove I’m responsible with small things first. Like keeping my room clean and doing my chores without arguing. Basically everything I’m atrocious at.

I don’t think I’ve ever written this down. (I don’t know why not except maybe fear. This journal is meant for someone someday to read and go “huh there was someone like me” or “huh this girl is psycho”. It doesn’t mean anything to me but it’s meant to make an impact. Nothing I ever do makes an impact.) Well, sometimes when I feel very strongly- I cut myself. Except not really! I just take a pair of scissors and irritate my skin by pushing the blade in. I don’t think it’s a big deal. It doesn’t even scar- it just gets red and puffy for a day. I mean- I’m too afraid to even actually cut so I don’t think I’m in too much danger. But sometimes when I feel like I’m about to blow up from all the bad feelings. The scissors help. That’s a secret between me and you.

I hope I’m impacting you.

December 7, 2024

Recently, I feel I only write about negative things. It doesn’t seem like anything good happens anymore.

Seth and the older girl, Kaylee, are into each other. But he’s not allowed to date until he’s 16- so until April. I can’t compete with her though. At this point I think he’s a little weirded out by how weird I am.

I’ve tried to stay responsible but I just can’t follow my parent’s orders like a dog. So I guess I won’t be getting my permit and license until I’m out of the house. It just feels like another chain my parents put me on. Another expectation. Another way of making sure I can’t escape. Part of me is scared I won’t be able to. That I wouldn’t graduate and become a figure skater. That I’ll be stuck under their thumbs forever. Just like they want.

We got into a fight about that. (Not about the chain thing- they would laugh about how I feel confined when I have so much. They would belittle it). No but about how I can’t get my permit (again) and then I said something. Something I’ve thought about before but I don’t have the guts for. I said “Fine! Then I’m going to kill myself!” I imagined Mom and Dad would get serious and talk about how that’s not okay to say. How I’m gifted and even though I’m wrong- they love me. But they don’t say that. Dad laughs. His cruelish one where he does it just to hurt you. “Okay. then do it.” I felt sick because they knew the same thing I did. I don’t have the guts.

Part of me wants to do it. I’m always so miserable. I want to prove them wrong. I want them to feel guilty. But no matter how much I want to- I really don’t have the guts.

December 11, 2024

I don’t think it’s legal to be this miserable on your birthday. One of my best friends, Rilo, forgot it was my birthday. We’ve been friends longer than me and Emry. It stung a little. I had school so that was meh of course.

Lydia picked me up for lunch though. That was fun until her friends from her charter school showed up. Her “situationship” was there and then it wasn’t about me. I know that sounds stupid and selfish but I’m stupid and selfish. It was my birthday. It was supposed to be about me.

After school Dad had a work party for his business. He owns it so he couldn’t skip. So we all went along with him. It was awful. A bunch of adults who didn’t feel like taking care of the kids they brought. Me and Lydia ended up babysitting the whole time. And then after, Lydia, Drake, and Ollie all started ganging up on me. I cried on the way home. I hope no one noticed.

December 14, 2024

I hate myself. The real me at least. Surface me is great.

What other people see: Confident, Funny, Loud, Weird

What I see: Loud, Annoying, Insecure, Fat, Ugly, Mean, Selfish, Stubborn

The problem is, I have no intention of trying to change. That’s just how I am. I’m mean- I want to be ruthless. I’m the meanest person I know.

I think I’ve lost my faith in God. I keep thinking, what if?

 What if I pray harder?

 What if I prove I believe?

 What if I do everything right to prove devotion?

Those what if’s haven’t really done anything. I think he’s there- I always believed that. I think he just stopped caring. And now I just lay in bed thinking about what eternity’s gonna look like. Will I get bored? Will it be like earth? Will I have to play the harp?

Will I be all alone?

December 18, 2024

I’ve decided to kill myself. The real deal. I figure drugs are the best way. I think at least 13 acetaminophen”
should do it. And I don’t think it will hurt- I think I’ll just fall asleep.

I’m still deciding when. As much as Ollie bothers me- I don’t want her to walk into our room and see me dead. Or any of the other littles. Preferably they would be older.

All together it would be great if they were police or something. If my family never saw.

Before it was all about spite. A sort of “I’ll show them” mentality. But the truth now is that I just can’t go on like this.

It’s not really their fault.

I guess I’m just defective.

I’m working on the note.

So my family knows.

I still have to plan the details.

I don’t know when.

December 21, 2024

I still don’t know when. I guess part of me is hoping. The longer I live- the more I see what there is to live for. But I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

The term ended and we’re on break now. My grades weren’t too good. So I’ve already lost skating, something to live for.

Mom did the college thing again.

She laughed it off.

I spoke up.

“When you say that, you hurt my feelings. It makes me feel like you don’t believe in me.”

She doesn’t try to deny that, she just justifies it. “So when you’re mean to Ollie don’t you think it hurts her?”

They always tell me to be the bigger person with Ollie. That I’m older so I’m supposed to be responsible. To me, it feels like we’re letting her get away. I don’t start every fight. But they also tell her she’s their most responsible child. So why do I have to be the bigger person? Ollie would say it’s because I’m already a fat-ass. Maybe that’s why Seth doesn’t like me either.

I wanted to reply “Maybe it does, but that’s not the point. The point is that you’re hurting me.”

But I don’t. I stomp downstairs and sob- because I can’t seem to stop myself from crying over every little thing.

I don’t think I’ll find anything to live for because I just keep finding things to die for.

December 24, 2024

I did it. I took the pills. Just now.

Of course it was my fault that the lights were crooked on the tree and Ollie was in a bad mood.

So I’ve ended it.

On Christmas Eve.

It feels a little wrong now.

Not a great present to open- I’m sure.

I’m worried about who will find me.

I hope I don’t spoil Christmas.

Gosh, it’s too late to go back.

Do I want to?

It doesn’t matter.

I have my letter in hand for when they find me.

I’m feeling kind of tired.

I just wanted to say, I know this is how it had to end for me.

But I hope you can keep living.

I hope I inspired you