Confusion and conflict

Now I write quite less than I did before. Sometimes I just feel so sad. It feels like something is missing. It feels empty and doing the things I like does not make any difference. It keeps eating me away. I feel just so overwhelmed and it is not that I am going through some tough time or anything.

And there are times too when I feel extreme joy. I feel relaxed. I feel hopeful about everything and everyone. I smile, laugh and praise the beauty around me. I look up to the sky and it makes me calm. But there is one difference between these two different states I often experience. And the difference is that the joy I feel seems so short lived and undeserved. Like whenever I am happy a though pops up in my head, "It is going to end. I will be sad and pitiful again". And sometimes I even feel ashamed of being happy and relaxed. It feels like a lie. A bubble going to burst soon. A part of me mocks me whenever I get happy over something I did. Maybe that's why I try not be overly joyed or excited.

Nah! It is just my useless habit to exaggerate things. All this is because I can't be happy all the time. I love sadness. I find "my" joy in sadness. Hapiness tires me. Maybe my baseline of happiness is not much higher.

Here I go again spitting crap! None of this matters! Damn it all! Go to hell! Crap! Everything's so messed up in my head. I am confused. I hate one thing in my life very much and the irony is that I am the embodiment of that very same thing, Hypocrisy!

Maybe calling that hypocrisy is not quite right. It is more like acting. Yes! Acting! What is wrong with acting? What is wrong with playing nice? What is wrong with not speaking your mind? What is wrong with seeking love from others? Nothing!

Calm down, don't be stupid. As I said before, nothing matters. Do what you like to do and live this petty life of yours.

That book was right. ' Stop thinking and your problems will be gone. Your suffering will end'. Now, ain't that convenient? Throw all your responsibilities and run away. Those problems will be solved on their own and even if they dont no problem, Nothing matters after all. One thing will lead to other and you will not have to worry about anyting. You should just do what you think you were born to do and, yeah, that will be Nothing! It feels like an excuse. Excuse for not being able to solve your problems.

I have experienced something interesting. Maybe now I understand what Dmitry used to crave. He craved the pleasure one feels when he does something he feels guilty for! Albeit for a short moment that guilt can be very satisfying Maybe that is also why people tend to hate themselves. Maybe that is why I hate myself. It gives pleasure. Cursing oneself has its own satisfaction. But it is foolish to do so. And doing foolish things is one of mankind's hobbies! And it will keep one pursuing it to the very end!