The Downfall of an Environmental Lawyer

Driving down the road, I pushed my right turn signal on, which I knew brother would take notice of. When we were younger, we’d always click our tongues to emulate the sound of the turn signal when mother was driving. He didn’t notice though. He wasn’t there. He was states away. When he graduated high school, he couldn’t wait to be rid of that podunk town. Rundown gas stations, stray dogs galore, only one working stoplight. 

Seeing mother in her condition in that depressing house was utterly draining. The kitchen counters were cluttered with mother’s Nutty Buddy wrappers and tattered, damp rags used to clean her bedsores. The entire house had me sweltering even when I was sitting completely still, which was very uncommon. Every morning I would wake feeling like I hadn’t slept at all the night prior. Ever since father left, mother has essentially become a part of her bed and might as well be a pillow. At least she’s getting sleep! She only lifted her head to examine the gray squirrels in the yard, but they were never really there. I just let mother keep thinking they were, since it was the only thing that ever wiped that sour look off her face. Her bedroom reeked of ancient, dirty socks and entering it felt like standing in line for a ride at Disney World when it’s 95 degrees outside. We couldn’t help but think how useless she has become. 

She used to cook us big breakfasts on Sunday mornings at 8 a.m. sharp. Omelets, french toast, and bacon! Mother would take brother and I to see plays at the local theater every Saturday evening growing up. They were low-budget productions, but we always had a blast. Father never came. 

Previously, mother would certainly never have let a man get the best of her and cause such massive destruction in her life. She was hard-headed and independent, an environmental lawyer after all. Mother devoted her life to protecting our local gray squirrel population in the courtroom. She visited many wildlife sanctuaries to study how the gray squirrels were being taken care of. Mother determined whether they received proper care or not and what needed to be done to improve the quality of their care. At first, I was amazed with mother’s relationship with the local gray squirrels like everyone else, but it eventually became upsetting. Mother always said she felt like she was one of them, a part of the family. I wondered why she didn’t feel like she fit into our family and resented her for it. I never could understand why she cared about those stupid squirrels more than me. I was at least the same species as her. The day father left, she laid before us with not an ounce of hope left in her eyes. It’s been nine years since mother has worked a case. I don’t even know if I care. 

It isn’t widely known why father left. Sometimes we thought mother herself was also unaware. Everytime we asked, she’d groan and turn away from us on her bed that she never abandoned like she did her children. We constantly pondered about who’d take care of mother when we left. I never thought it would be me, however selfish that may sound. I have far too many aspirations to choose that life. It was always my dream to become a neurologist and I am in my second year of med school. Brother, on the other hand, is working an entry level job at Lowe’s hardware. Why couldn’t he take care of mother? God, how I loathe him. 

Beginning college while taking care of mother was daunting. One can imagine this had an impact on my GPA starting out. I had to physically pick her up out of bed to force her into the shower daily. The amount of body odor that can come from one person is quite disturbing. Mother wouldn’t eat unless I handfed her. Here comes the airplane! Everyday I had to dress her. All of her outfits make me want to rip my eyeballs out! I ran all of the errands, which I despise doing. Endless grocery store trips and countless bills suddenly inhabited my life. Prioritizing my classes began to feel impossible quickly when I had to take mother to her psychiatrist twice a week just for them to report she was losing her mind. Cleaning the repulsive kitchen overrun with rats and cockroaches just to starve because I couldn’t afford groceries was perhaps my last straw.

I began to be a regular attendee to my therapy sessions. I needed to do something for my own mental health. I was working two jobs as well as attending school full-time. Hallucinations ensued due to lack of sleep, or at least that is what I tell myself. Father was gone, brother was gone, and I was all alone. Mother was like a baby, but I was supposed to be hers. 

I couldn’t believe she was still keeping up the act. At this point, I thought it was pure laziness, which is exactly why I decided to put her in assisted living. I couldn’t bear visiting her due to my immense guilt from abandoning her. Kidding! I simply never wanted to see her face again. 

Finally, my life can truly begin! I jumped into leaf piles with glee. I started treating my patients with more respect during clinicals. I met a guy! A fellow neuro student with the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen before in my life. I soared to the top of my class. I knew taking care of mother had been holding me back. I knew I was destined for greatness, not brother. 

Brother was never very smart. I was jealous of that; I’ll admit it now. I don’t think he understood our childhood like I did. He didn’t understand that mother didn’t love us. Not anymore, at least. He didn’t understand that father didn’t either and thought maybe, just maybe, one day he’d walk right back into our lives. I think life must be easier for people who aren’t smart. They can’t possibly know the pain and suffering that comes with understanding that neither one of your parents really loved you.