A Love Letter to My Fellow Introverts

Dear Fellow Introvert . . .

So this post begins. With a label.

Let’s back up a bit.

Not long ago, I attended a networking event. The theme was something akin to Opening Up. With a dozen or so attendees, I found myself working on how to better express myself. The exercises focused on lowering our inhibitions, avoiding hesitation, and going with our guts. Throughout the session, we were told to “not hold back” and “come out of our shells.”

Déjà vu. I’ve heard it all before.

I am the reserved, quiet, shy type. I don’t deny it. I’ve worked hard to expand my communication skills, and while I’ve improved in some areas, in others I still need to address certain weaknesses. Over the course of attending countless Toastmasters meetings, networking events, and wellness webinars, I’ve encountered my fair share of prejudices and microaggressions directed towards people like me: introverts.

Even the title of this post is not without bias. I literally did a Google search for A Love Letter to My Fellow Introverts and discovered articles and blogs nearly identical in name but with content much different in tone. There were those written by non-introverts, with tips for introverts on how to improve their public speaking or why they should consider sharing more. There were also those written by introverts who professed to hiding or shielding a part of themselves. Few celebrated introversion, and fewer still aligned with my (apparently unique) view — one that I make by tackling some common misconceptions.

While all the myths noted below may seem obvious, I still feel compelled to spell out these points and correct them due to encountering them again and again and again and again.

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1) We’re broken or hurt

This is probably the most annoying assumption about introverts I’ve experienced. To put it simply, too many people think:

Silence = Pain

The less someone talks, the more they have to hide. The shy are wounded. And until the quiet ones say otherwise (and even when we do), such an assumption sticks.

I’m not suggesting there are no introverts who are uncomfortable with talking in public or suffer from stage fright. And yes, a person who was at one time more talkative and then suffered trauma may now be reclusive.

The error, though, is with the insistence. Quietude in and of itself does not indicate pain any more than expression guarantees an extrovert is without. Rather, introverts such as myself have developed coping mechanisms that don’t involve constant, overt expression. Yes, we feel pain. We experience hurt just like the rest of the population does. But most of us have found ways of dealing with it that fit our personalities that the rest of the world does not understand. Instead of “talking it out” or “bearing our souls,” we curl up with a good book, go for a walk in nature, or meditate. We can handle the pain just as well or better than our more expressive counterparts.

2) We are intimidated or we hold back

In other words, introverts are afraid.

Silence = Fear

OK. We have our fears. Some more than others. And that coupled with silence gives off the impression of intimidation, especially in social settings such as parties, sporting events, or professional conferences.

This is a tricky point to address . . . Admittedly, I have been intimidated at social gatherings. And if I don’t see anyone I recognize, that discomfort deepens.

Then I meet people. I talk. The discomfort eases. The conversation eventually lulls and I find myself alone again.

And there, the benefit of being an introvert comes to light.

What no one realizes is that I’m OK with the moments of silence between conversations. I’m secure with who I am and I don’t need the constant validation of engagement. If I strike up another discussion, great. If not, so be it.

So no . . . I don’t hold back. I don’t experience intimidation all that differently from others. And I don’t feel the need to prove myself either.

3) We don’t know how to communicate

Practice makes perfect. So the saying goes. The common assumption is that extroverts talk longer, more often, and with greater frequency, so the expectation is that they are better at expressing themselves than introverts. Introverts, pigeon-holed into the stereotype of being less practiced, are therefore identified as having less aptitude when it comes to the art of communication.

Silence = Inability

The quantity over quality argument — the more one talks or is willing to talk, the better they are at it — stands apart here.

I won’t out anybody in particular, but over the years I’ve watched interviews with musicians, actors and actresses, artists, and other performers — in other words, people who express themselves for a living — who have confessed to being introverts. The dedication such creative types direct to their art is not unlike the intention introverts have towards speaking. We have no problem talking — we just want to do it well. That means sometimes avoiding small talk, or waiting our turn, or taking the time to think through what we want to say and how to say it.

This careful approach to speechcraft runs counter to so many books, podcasts, and seminars that encourage “telling it like it is,” “shooting from the hip,” or my personal favorite, “just be yourself.”

Introversion may never be branded a sexy or popular approach to communication. But make no mistake, it is authentic, practiced, and skillful.

4) We avoid extroverts

I won’t go cliché by claiming opposites attract. However, neither should it be assumed we have an aversion to our counterparts. So the theory goes:

Silence = We want nothing to do with extroverts

Looking back, yes, most of my friends have been introverts. Along with the bulk of my family. My wife too. One of my sons is an introvert. (And one of them clearly is not!)

In my younger years, I struggled to understand extroverts. I could never imagine myself being the center of attention, the popular kid or the class clown. I would cringe just thinking about it. And yet, for my lack of understanding, I never avoided them. My best friend in grade school — for a few years, my only friend — was an extrovert. The best group assignments I did in high school and college succeeded largely because of the contributions of extroverts. And in my professional career, the best bosses and colleagues I’ve ever had have been extroverts.

I may never understand the extroverts of my life. Still, they hold a special place in my heart because of their outgoing personalities, not despite of them.

5) We don’t have a voice

Yes, we do.

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Being an introvert isn’t something in and of itself we have to fix. There is nothing wrong with us. We should strive to improve our communication skills — as the rest of the general population should — though in doing so, we shouldn’t be outed, shamed, or embarrassed of who we really are. Who we have always been. Who we want to be.

I am an introvert. I love being an introvert. I love my fellow introverts.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.