Red, White, and Vodka: The Glorious Future of Czar Trump’s Amerika

Hello, Comrade.

I write to you from the Oblast of Texas, where we have just finished a grand celebration with blinis and borscht. The Shiner Bock is gone, replaced with the purest Stolichnaya vodka. I tossed back a few shots with my friends and yelled, “Make America Russian!”

I am overjoyed by how Czar Trump has followed in the footsteps of Mother Russia. Soon, we will be one people, united in our desire for a pure society, ruled by law—Putin’s and Trump’s law. Czar Trump has been masterful in his plan to bring our two great nations together. He has learned well from Czar Putin’s playbook.

Surround Yourself with Oligarchs

Mother Russia has its oligarchs, but we have our own—Elon Musk. And ours is even better. He is the richest man in the world, controlling cars, space, AI, and a direct line to the government. Of course, like any good oligarch, he takes public money to build his empire. Why risk your own fortune when the state can subsidize you?

A true comrade of the people.

Turn Your Country into a Petrostate

Mother Russia thrives on oil and natural gas, and Czar Trump is following suit.

"Drill, baby, drill!" he proclaims, eager to turn America into an oil empire. He envisions a network of pipelines spanning the country, funneling cheap natural gas to the coasts for export across the world.

In his inaugural address, he laid out his vision:

"We will be a rich nation again, and it is that liquid gold under our feet that will help to do it."

A glorious tribute to our comrades in the Kremlin.

Threaten to Invade Other Countries

A true empire is never satisfied with its borders. Czar Trump understands this well.

More lebensraum! More glory! Panama looks nice this time of year.

"I think Greenland will be worked out with us. I think we're going to have it. And I think the people want to be with us," Czar Trump declared, echoing the words Czar Putin once spoke about Ukraine.

And why stop there?
Greenland, Canada, Gaza, Panama—perhaps even Mexico, just to finish what Polk started.

After all, the strong have an innate right to rule the weak. Putin understands this. And so does Trump.

Make the Press the Enemy

Czar Putin showed us the way: a free press is an enemy of the state.

In Russia, independent journalists are silenced—permanently. Czar Trump has not gone quite that far—yet—but he is learning. He brands any critical coverage as “fake news.”

When 60 Minutes dared to interview traitor Kamala Harris, the regime struck back. Media companies must learn: air time belongs to Czar Trump and his allies alone.

Fox News is the only truth. So much so that Czar Trump has placed its finest minds—like Comrade Hegseth—in positions of power. How strong they look on television!

Go After the LGBTQ+ Community

Czar Putin hates the gays. He calls them degenerates, blaming them for Russia’s declining population. In 2024, Russia officially classified LGBTQ+ groups as extremists—a bold move for national purity.

Naturally, Comrade Trump has taken these ideas to Amerika.

On his first day in office, he eliminated the right to be trans, declaring that there are only two sexes—man and woman.

Imagine the horror of people choosing their own identities! Thank God the state is here to decide for them.

In addition:

• Transgender soldiers? Banned. No sissies in the military.

• Pronouns in schools? Forbidden. Even if a child begs, the state knows best.

• Public funding for LGBTQ+ support? Gone. Let the degenerates fend for themselves.

We march forward, strong and pure.

Ensure Absolute Loyalty Across the Government

Czar Putin has eliminated all disloyalty in Russia. No one dares defy him. Czar Trump has followed suit.

The genius of it all? Using DEI as the perfect cudgel. Anyone who fails to worship MAGA must be DEI—even if they are not. Fire them. Purge them.

He has neutered Congress and bent the courts to his will. The Supreme Court, hand-picked by Trump, has granted him total immunity.

A ruler above the law. A Czar in all but name.

The Future is Bright, Comrades!

As I sit in my dacha, I marvel at the future.

We will soon drive only American cars—perhaps a fine Lada, built in Texas. We will vacation in Moscow, where life is so prosperous and free!

The world will envy us.
The weak will kneel before us.
And we will drink to our great leader, Czar Trump.

Na Zdorovie, comrades!