Memoir of a Dead Person

This isn't a story, this is not a novel, this is an epiphany of a dead man resting inside the tombstone waiting for the angel of death to take him to the inevitable hell. He, who crawled through the world of misery where a woman wearing tight clothes can get into a yacht for looking pretty, and the man needs to toil day and night to buy one!

 I didn't come from the lineage of Alpha males who could move the needle. I was an average Joe burdened with the responsibilities of yesterday's; my world wasn't black and white; instead, it was grey! I come from the tradition of sentinel beings who believed that if a man stays at home and is a breadwinner, that's a bad sign. But that was the price I had to pay for being a father. If I give her time, we won't have money; if I give the money, my little girl won't have me. I can't be there with my kid and earn a living simultaneously. I lived it and was obligated to make sure her life was better. All the things that she calls normal were miracles. Her normal was her daddy's miracle, but she doesn't see it as a miracle. And now all left with me is regret for not spending that extra hour with her in the morning' and for not telling her bedtime story when I could. But then again, the hours sacrificed are why I could afford her barbie dolls!

When I lie on the ground, a little less than six feet, I hear no man praising my name! No ex-wife screaming from the top of their lungs, no Mistress dying for my needle dick. All I hear is silence!
 Aint this what every man desires? No nagging wife, ancestral pressure, or expectation to live up to? The greatest lie a rich man ever made was convincing the poor that money doesn't bring you happiness. In the world that we live in, the capital is everything! Money gets you a good wife, money gets you a vast mansion, money gets you a Bugatti, and most importantly, money makes you an Alpha.
It tickles my tummy when I realise how silly my problems were. I was a fool when it came to love. When I say Men, I don't believe all men. It's more like men, in general, should never be like me. It's okay to fall in love. It's okay to make mistakes, but don't let the other person be the reason for your happiness. Don't expect much from your partner; miracles happen when you don't express what the other person means to you. It makes your other sex believe they need to try more, and they will work for your affection daily and night.
 Call it a desperate move trying to comfort me for being so unlucky with love and life. 
I always wondered what would happen once we die! Now that I know it is not the end, the world that awaits me ain't gonna be filled with ice cream parlours either. The doomed soul I am is destined to bat in the fiery hellfire, but for some unknown reason, it doesn't scare me; I can't wait to see the horrors of the new world. Nothing can scare a man who has already died. Both Physically and mentally!
Where did I go wrong in my life? Well, it's hard to think about one place when you have too much dirt on your hands that even the river Thames water could clean. I was born into an impossible situation where I had too much weight to carry. It is said that if you are born poor, it's not your fault, but if you die poor, it is! However, I disagree that so many factors contribute to success. Sometimes you need to have gods right hand on your shoulder. Speaking of God, does he really exist? If he does, why does he only listen to a select number of people and go radio silent on the rest of us? And why is there too many religion, and why are people killing each other in his name. There are so many things I need to ask him!
 I didn't have the IQ of Einstein or the Athleticism of Hussain Bolt; I didn't even have the surname of Khan to make it to Bollywood either. But I did exist, at least in my eyes!
I only have a vague idea about my childhood. All I could remember was being compared to my protege sister and my parents nagging me about how great she was and how much I sucked. Despite all this, I would do anything and everything in my strength to go back to my childhood and run around like an innocent young boy who had no idea about the horrors he was going to face once his arms and legs grew taller and his facial hair started to appear. 
My whole 20s and 30s were a competition; the men's world is so much different to the female world. Life in this society as a man is complicated. It is, at the same time, the most beautiful and terrifying thing in the whole world. The world doesn't care about you; you are born into a world without value. You will only be cared about based on how useful you are. So you need to be a superhero for the people around you to acknowledge you!

Now that I sleep here after my doomsday, I can confess that I have made more mistakes than I remember. More wrongdoings than good. The number of hearts I broke was always more than the number of faces I brought a grin. But I am excited about a new beginning, even in hell. It's a new day; even with pain and fire, I still believe I could start over. When the reaper comes in and takes away my essence, I will again be filled with hope! Maybe, maybe I might find my heaven in hell.